Monday, February 15, 2016

inordinately proud of myself

Day four of the migraine looks to be calming down a bit.  Yay.  

Let's take a walk back to day one, when I went for the sumatriptan (a.k.a. Imitrex) injection.  I was disproportionately pleased with myself that I didn't need to read the directions, which start on page 27 and continue on for the length of War and Peace.  I'm happy that they thoroughly explain it, but they seem to be missing the primary focus that if I'm going for this injection, I'm in the midst of a CLUSTERFUCK OF A NEUROLOGICAL DISORDER, where my cognitive functions are greatly diminished.  Plus, I'm in MOTHERFUCKING PAIN.  Maybe just don't make it this complicated to do?  

Sumatriptan used to have a different auto-injection method, which also took me years to master in the throes of a migraine.  I have an idea, let's completely change it up but still keep it equally over-complicated, said no migraineur ever.  Prior to Imitrex being produced, I gave myself DHE injections using an old-fashioned glass ampule that I'd break open, withdraw the liquid with a syringe, and inject.  No instructions needed, besides try not to cut myself on the broken glass.  

Then, they got all fancy to automate the injection procedure, but in the process made it so overly complex that an engineering degree wouldn't be amiss when figuring it out.  I feel like I'm an old-timey safe-cracker, half a turn to the left until it clicks, two turns to the right, and pull gently until I feel it release.  Then line it up perfectly, hold the injector EXACTLY here, push with .2 psi against my skin, and finally hit the button located five inches away.  Hope you have long, flexible fingers!

I haven't even mentioned how much the shot burns for the first three minutes, and how it feels like an elephant sitting on my chest for minutes two through eight.  Good luck breathing!  But then, blessed sweet relief by the eleventh minute.  I LOVE YOU IMITREX INJECTION!

Several years back, they also changed the way they package the pills.  It used to be easy to pop one out of its blister pack and tiny enough to swallow dry if necessary.  Now, I need sharp scissors and water.  Fortunately, I can open a few before I need one and have them readily available.  Except, I don't like to carry loose white pills in my purse because that looks suspicious if law enforcement sees.  Tell me, who carries scissors with them when they're out and about their day?   Way back when, a pocket knife would be convenient, but now that's a weapon if I go through airport security.  So are scissors for that matter.

I get irrationally angry and want to kick the person who designed these.  Or just give them a four day migraine one time, with partial relief inconveniently available in their own design methods.  Hey, fkr, how easy is it now that you're impaired and without scissors?

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