Sunday, November 27, 2016

I did it!

I made it through an entire holiday, including a family dinner, exchanged texts with several friends and family, and never shed one tear. 


It was close though, I will admit.  I felt a tear building up and forced myself to think of something else.  Fuck, I love denial.  :)

One day I hope to be healthy enough not to need to engage denial as a coping mechanism, but for now, I'll take it.  Some people use religion and/or drugs as crutches.  I embrace denial.  :)

Monday, November 21, 2016

3 ... 2 ... 1

And it's the holiday season again.  Fuck.

I swear I'm ready this year.  No drama, no tears, no depression.  Yeah, right.  I'm pretty sure I thought I was fine last year until that tsunami of darkness almost drowned me.

It doesn't feel like a whole year has gone by.  Wasn't it just a few months ago?

I'm beginning to see people around me randomly snap at situations they typically wouldn't, with others left standing there saying wtf.  I'm chalking every fucked-up situation to the Holiday Parasites that infect us all differently.  Some people get nicer.  Some get angrier.  Some get sadder.  And others bottle up their feelings and explode at bizarre times with completely inappropriate reactions.  Until one digs beneath the surface and sees they're doing the best they can.

Please everyone, have a little extra patience until January 2.  Then you can resume being self-absorbed.

Monday, November 14, 2016

what was I thinking?

I decided to watch that new show Divorce last night.  Somehow I thought it would be empowering like How Stella Got Her Groove Back.  Instead, I started crying and sliding into depression.  Fortunately I found some friends online, one of whom was also having a rough night.  I like to think it was a mutual cheering up session.  It's hard to admit vulnerability, but once we did, the group was receptive to helping us.

I blame the super moon.  Which was gorgeous!

I only cried a little bit.  Progress??

Thursday, November 10, 2016

Pokémon > casino

I had to walk through several casinos (or maybe just one large one) to get to my destination.  It probably says something about me that I would rather play Pokemon Go than have anything to do with a casino.  It was like being back in the dark ages -- they allow smoking inside.  Yuck.  My eyes were burning, and my hair and clothes stunk.

On the way back, some young woman gave me a free sample of some face lotion.  She asked what I use and then suggested something for the bags under my eyes.  Just a thought, maybe don't insult me if you're trying to sell me something.  My skin is so dry here.  What I typically use to moisturize is 80% humidity instead of living in a fkn desert.  I also try sleeping more to diminish the bags under my eyes.  Bitch. Come talk to me when you're not twenty anymore.  I didn't say any of that though.  I smiled and said thank you for the sample and no thank you to injecting poison into my face.

So glad to be going home soon.  I thought the one upside of dry air would be non-frizzy hair.  Nope.  My hair was still a riotous explosion.

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

so much angst

People are losing their minds over this election.  And nothing has changed yet.   

Except it's all changed.  

It's acceptable now to be openly racist at work.  And to make sexist jokes during a professional presentation.  That bothers me a lot.  I hope it calms down soon.  But I'm a smidge apprehensive that we will regress as a society in the next four years.  Although I suppose we aren't regressing.  People are merely showing their true colors. 

I understand that people are sick and tired of being lied to and stepped on.  Me, too!  I didn't vote for Trump, but I'm not so naive that I don't understand how it happened.  Maybe this is the shitty catalyst we need to make progress.  I'm adopting a wait-and-see attitude.

To sum up, just because I'm white please don't assume that I want to hear white supremacy bullshit.  I like diversity.  It's how I can eat sushi for dinner and Colombian the next night, without leaving my local neighborhood.  Our President-elect may or may not be misogynistic, please know that I am judging the shit out of you for making sexist jokes in a corporate environment.  Or for laughing at them.  

Monday, November 7, 2016


So many roosters crowing.  All night.  I started getting used to it on my last night there.  I'm gonna miss my brother so much.  And Potato snoring with his ninja face licks.  And Smaug's old man slipper shuffles (she's only graceful and agile when in attack mode).   And Winston's happy-faced under-bite.  

Of course, the migraine monster paid me a visit.  Couldn't let me enjoy a few pain-free days with my brother.  By the time my flight landed in Vegas, I was hurting bad.  My meds had worn off, and I took more in my cab.  I couldn't even wait to take them at the hotel.

As soon as I got into my room, I filled up the Jacuzzi tub and relaxed for 30 minutes.  Then I put on my happy face and went to meet up with my work colleagues.

Sunday, November 6, 2016

Smaug (not her real name)

I'm pretty sure Smaug slept outside my bedroom door last night.  I heard snoring in a deep bass rumble.   And roosters were crowing sporadically.  At both two and five am.  Ahh, the quiet country life.

At about 5:30 am, I gave up trying to sleep and went to see who the snores belonged to.  Potato (the smallest of the three doggies, weighing in at 90 pounds) is a very loud snorer, but he didn't have the depth of Smaug.  This title belonged to his 150-pound Neapolitan Mastiff.  My brother's dogs are guard-trained but were affectionate to me because they'd met me the night before as family.  Smaug even let me take close-up photos of her with the flash all in her face.  Barely any came out though, because she's a fkn dragon, and they have magic.

My brother slept late, with the third dog in his room.  Winston was (still is?) seriously ill and had lost over 30 pounds.  He had an IV port in his leg that my brother routinely had to medicate him with.  The meds had kicked in, so he had lots of energy, but we aren't sure if it's a temporary boost or not.  Poor doggie.

My brother woke up and cooked me fresh eggs from his chickens.  YUM!

He knew that my energy levels were low, so we didn't have much activity planned.  Mostly we hung out, talked, and laughed.  We also fed his horses, cows, chickens, and dogs.  And by we, I mean he.  :)   But I kept him company.

Later that afternoon, we went to see ancient petroglyphs.  I had to rest a couple times making the long half mile walk from his truck.  Then it was off to buy chicken feed, which apparently costs way more than that expression would imply.  Finally, we drove off in search of dinner.  And stumbled across sushi.  In the desert.  It was really good, surprisingly.

Saturday, November 5, 2016

my great adventure

I've had lovers who didn't touch me as thoroughly as that TSA woman.   I was glad I'd been wearing my fancy lingerie.  Because her hands were all down my pants and up my shirt.  Somehow she didn't muss my hair in the slightest.  Probably because she's a professional.  She put her hands inside my socks, for fucks sake.   From the back and then from the front, as if I have talented ankles muscles that could magically move contraband around while she switched from back to front. 

I stood there grinning like an idiot.  Because if I didn't laugh, I'd cry. 

At my gate, I looked for an outlet to charge my phone.  It was very sparse, and some nice dude offered to let me use his battery charger.   I declined because I knew there must be an outlet somewhere.  But it was very thoughtful of him. 

I found one a few gates over and settled in all by myself.   Two minutes later a man and his kid invaded my quietude.   The kid was playing the floor is lava, which is hilarious, except when he's jumping on my seat. 

I finally boarded and ended up next to the nice battery charger dude.   Coincidence or is he following me?   Also, I mysteriously lost my middle boarding card between security and my seat.  I had the one to get on this plane.  And the one with my bag tag, but I couldn't find my connection.  I'll use my phone app if my battery has charge by then.  If I ever leave.   We got called back to the gate because the black-box is broken.  Sigh. 

Forty minutes later and the maintenance man hasn't shown up yet.   Fuck.  I'm hungry and cranky and stressed about potentially missing my connection.   I have no stamina for running.  Especially with a heavy laptop on my back. The flight attendants confirmed that there is only a single maintenance man for that airport.  And this isn't the first time this has happened.  Not even the first time this week.

They're passing out Delay Snacks.   How is that a thing?   Maybe just hire a second maintenance dude or keep your fleet in working order.  

Battery charger guy turned out to be quite an interesting companion.  We talked the entire delay (over an hour) and most of the flight.

Once I deplaned, I ran really fast.  In my mind.  In reality, I was wheezing and huffing but not traveling as fast as I would have liked.  I heard final boarding while I was five gates away.  I tried sprinting again.  The gate didn't get closer.  I almost jumped on a cart but didn't wanna get arrested.   Wouldn't you know they were going to the same place and it was the last fkn gate in the terminal?   I couldn't even speak by the time I got there.  And my hands were shaking so much that I barely could unlock my phone to show my boarding pass.   I was the last person on the plane.  They closed the door as I crossed the threshold, right behind me.  

I had been frantically texting my brother, unsure if I would make the connection.  And because he lives out in BFE, I didn't want him to leave early to pick me up, only to not have me there.  We had a good laugh thinking about the poor luggage delivery driver trying to find his ranch if my luggage missed my connection.  Fortunately, it arrived safe and sound.  My seatmate this leg was also interesting and gave me some geography, history, and science lessons of the area.  I really got lucky.

My brother picked me up outside, and it was as if no time at all had passed since we last hung out.  When in reality, it had been several years.  We went for delicious Mexican food of course, and then back to his ranch.  I was exhausted and fell asleep fairly quickly, after meeting all of his LARGE doggies.

Tuesday, November 1, 2016

tweezers are a girl's best friend

My towel rack fell on the floor as I was hanging up my towel yesterday.  I was scrambling around trying to get ready quickly because of a scheduling snafu, so I hung my damp towel on the doorknob instead.  Then, I hightailed it to the gym, leaving the broken rack on the floor.

I'm not sure why I was in such a rush.  Longest hour ever!  My anemia is not doing me any favors.  I couldn't catch my breath a few times and had to sit down before I passed out.  My workout partner and I altered our training a bit to less cardio and more strength training.  Not that I really do much cardio anyway, but I switched to leg press instead of squats, for example.

Afterwards, we went for restorative tacos.  I took the scenic route home, along the beach.  It was a blustery day, and the palm trees looked glorious blowing in the wind.  Many people were out walking their dogs, all decked out in adorable Halloween costumes.  (The dogs were, not the owners.)

When I got back home, I went to shower and realized I still needed to fix the towel rack.  I was too exhausted to go back downstairs again for a screwdriver, so I improvised.  Tweezers work almost as well, hallelujah.  I used two different sized tweezers for two different adjustments.  My towel rack is all better now.