walking in snow

 

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas

I finally got to experience a white Christmas, and it was magical!

The locals all kinda grumbled about the snow, but every five minutes or so, I exclaimed happily, "It's snowing!!"

Fortunately I was indoors most of the day, but I also had warm outerwear for when I had to go outside.  I had lovely new chenille gloves and a fur boa.   So much fun!  My sparkly tights maybe weren't my best wardrobe choice, but they looked fabulous with my sweater dress and snow boots!

blood doesn't lie

I went to my new primary doctor, and she was most excellent.  She didn't lecture me about not wanting flu shots or invasive screening procedures.  She simply notated on my chart that I wasn't interested.  What?!!  That's so fucking lovely.  No arguments, no having to say "I don't want that" more than once.  It was very refreshing.

She examined me, and said I was in fantastic health.  Yay!

And because I make my coffee fun with egg and such in it, she wouldn't draw my blood because I wasn't technically fasting.  It took 2.5 weeks for an appointment to get my labs done elsewhere.  Who knew that was in such high demand?  It wasn't even a covid-19 testing facility.

Anyway, that came back, too, and it's brilliant!

I started crying when I saw my hemoglobin firmly in the healthy range.  I suffered so many years being anemic.  It feels so much better, mentally and physically, to be healthy. 

doctor, doctor, gimme the news!

I had been putting off most of my routine and less serious medical needs for the last several years, because I was dealing with the most severe conditions on that list.   And then I had shitty medical insurance, so I used that as another way to procrastinate.

Now that I have most of my serious stuff under control (fuck off, migraines!) and relatively good insurance, I have no more excuses.  

Except.... a global pandemic, which maybe isn't the best time to avail myself of the healthcare system.

That excuse lasted a couple of months, until I realized there was no end in sight for this.  And one of my less serious medical conditions became more serious.  One of my teeth started hurting nonstop, and I couldn't eat without pain, which caused me endless anxiety.  I started losing weight, which I couldn't afford to lose.  It had been an ongoing pain, which I had attributed to related migraine pain.  Migraines can and do trigger tooth pain in me.

Four dentists, a CT scan, various x-rays, and several appointments later, I mostly have a handle on this.  I can eat on one side pain-free, and the other side is getting preventative care BEFORE it goes nuclear.  What a fucking concept.  Apparently I had a perplexing issue that wasn't simple to solve.  After so many appointments, I no longer immediately cry when walking into the dentist's office.  So that's a bonus.

And now that my dental issues are almost resolved, I made an appointment for a first visit with a primary doctor.  I haven't had one of those in a couple of decades.  I suppose it's time to get a physical and some routine blood-work.  I was getting my blood tested regularly during the years of the migraine clinical trial, so I knew that was in normal ranges.  Yes, I realize I'm making excuses., but I feel like I wasn't totally irresponsible about my health.  It was hard to think of getting a general physical when half of my month was spent in agony from a migraine. 

Of course, the first available appointment isn't for a few weeks.  I hope I don't weasel out of it when the time comes...

do people dream in masks?

I recently started incorporating masked people into my dreams.  That's so fucking weird.  I hate masks, not for the discomfort level, although that blows, too.  But rather that it hides people's faces and adds an unconscious level of fear and distrust. 

We all wear metaphorical masks throughout our lives trying to fit in, or at least not stand out, which makes it harder to genuinely connect with people.  I had dinner with a new friend a few times, and she shared some personal stuff about her life, which she said she normally doesn't tell people.  But since I had opened up to her, she felt comfortable doing the same.  

Why are we so scared to reveal who we are?

I still have layers of me that I don't reveal to even my closest friends.  My brother once told me that I'm kind of a mystery in the family because I keep so much of my life private.  Is that because I don't overshare on social media?  I definitely spill my guts here once in a while.

How can I be the confident, self-assured woman who knows my own (high) worth AND be scared about saying something that will disincline my friends to like me?  So fucked up!

still can't hear you!!

Motherfucker!

My new(ish) phone broke.  That's the one I had replaced two and a half weeks ago under warranty.  They tried to tell me that because this was a factory-reconditioned phone, it was even better quality than new.  Obviously not, mofos!!  The new one lasted six months.  This one, less than one month.

It completely bricked, which made troubleshooting way easier.  Hold the power button.  Nothing?  Okay, done.

And somehow they fucked up my account and it looked like my warranty was over.  It wasn't, but it made the situation more complicated.  Another new(ish) phone is on the way to me, via ground shipping because fuck loyal customers, amirite??

And it decided to break while I was on the phone talking, which I was doing because I needed the distraction.  Because migraine!  I've been trying to cut back on migraine meds, so I was suffering through this one with only an ice pack and my own mental strength.  And my comfy bed and AC, of course.  Anyway, it turned into a clusterfuck.  I hauled my sorry ass out of bed and found my old semi-broken phone and switched out the SIM card.  It took me a few minutes because my dexterity was down, but surprisingly, it worked as soon as I powered it back on.  YAY!!

but does it fit?

After the gym, I decided it was time to buy new gym shoes.  Mine are at least seven years old, maybe more.  They still mostly work, but they look like ass and have a few worn spots.

I popped into a few retail stores, which were open (to my surprise).  They all had mask rules and customer capacity limits.  And they had limited inventory, too.  I found only three pair of shoes in my size.  Lame.

I didn't want it to be a complete waste of time, so I went looking for a sundress (one of my 2020 goals pre-pandemic).  I found four that I kind of liked in my size.  That was a bonanza as far as I was concerned.  I went to the fitting room and realized those are a thing of the past.  They recommend trying items on at home and returning them if necessary.

That seems extra cumbersome, expensive, and just as germ-ridden, if not more so.

I think buying a sundress will get pushed to next year.

can't shake the despair

I am stuck in a rut of despair.  I feel like there's nothing to look forward to ever again.  Logically, I keep telling myself this is probably pandemic related.  But I kinda don't feel that affected by it.  My home and my health are secure.  For now. 

Part of me keeps telling myself that my brain is lying to me and making up false stories.  And yet, those stories feel so real and all-encompassing. 

I have been getting daily exercise, sometimes at the gym with my good friend and sometimes alone, walking in nature.  Both of those should be boosting my mood immeasurably.  And yet...

Here I am, sobbing through the park like a loser.  I've been trying not to sniffle loudly so people don't think I'm infected.  Do I start saying to strangers that I'm not sick with covid, I'm only sobbing my eyes out because life is worthless and will never be joyous again?  Neither of the options appeal to me.

can you hear me now??

I spent way too long yesterday on the phone with my mobile phone carrier.  My phone was working fine, except it stopped charging quickly.  I switched out cords and plugs (which I subsequently learned are called wall warts -- dumb name).

I tried rebooting, charging in safe mode, and charging while off.  I tried cleaning the port.  By the time I called them, I had already done all of their level one troubleshooting techniques.  That woman quickly passed me on to level two.  Where I waited on hold over 30 minutes before it disconnected me.  Sigh.

I called back, waited on hold some more, explained my situation again, and finally got to level two tech support.  He asked me to try something and advised me it would disconnect us.  He asked if we could talk on another line.  Who has other lines anymore??  When I said I didn't have one, he said he'd call me right back.  I received a text message from him which stated he'd get back to me momentarily.  An hour later, I was kinda angry.

By the time I called again, a simple "hey it's not charging right anymore" turned into an hours long ordeal.  I may have accidentally let loose on the unfortunate person who answered my call.  I laid out some sweet expletives, before finally asking him to transfer me to level two.  He was super chill about it all, to the point I apologized right before he finally transferred me.  I'm kind of curious if they will be using that call "for training purposes" in the future.

The next level two person asked me to factory reset my phone, which is a HUGE hassle.  I contemplated lying and saying I did, but I was fairly certain they could tell.  It's a bit scary how much they can see what goes on in my phone.  Plus, there was a .3% chance it might work.

Of course it didn't work.  It was a hardware issue.  Duh!

The good news is that this tech support person did indeed call me back.  And my phone is under warranty, so I will be receiving a new one in the mail.  Factory reconditioned.  Cheatsy mofos!  They don't mention that when they talk about warranties.  This fucker tried to explain to me why a factory reconditioned one was better than brand new.  Whatever, they can all go fuck themselves.  I just want my phone to work and to charge properly.

What put the icing on the cake was that I had a migraine the whole day, which was exacerbated by this aggravation.  And I get to reinstall everything on my phone twice.  Once now, and again when the new one arrives.

first day of school!!

At least it felt like the first day of school when I went back to the gym.   Everyone was so happy and saying hello to long-missed friends and acquaintances. 

The gym tried to socially distance and provide extra disinfectant, but if you have a germ anxiety, do NOT go back to the gym yet.  Most everyone made some type of effort, but it's kind of impossible to be completely sanitary.

Besides the excitement and mood boost of going back, there was also some sadness for me in seeing how far I backslid.  I had to drop down to much lower weights than I used pre-quarantine.  However, I know from prior experience that muscle memory is real, and my muscles will come back faster than they were built originally. 

Patience, Padawan.

it's too soon, mofo!!

It's too soon for hurricane season to start!

And yet, subtropical storm Arthur is supposed to form tomorrow.  Lame.

I went for my daily walk today, and of course got caught in a downpour.  Good thing it's a warm rain.

so much for daily journaling

I tried daily journaling, but when the days run together, there's not so much to write about.

That said, I have flown a few times during all this pandemic nonsense, and it seems like everything is getting back to normal.  My flights were more crowded this past trip, although for the first time, face masks were mandatory on my return trip.  People tried to keep six feet apart, until they forgot and got impatient, and inched forward in line.

Some people seemed more scared than others of germs.  They were the ones wrapped in plastic wrap, double masks, and hazmat suits.  I'm not sure why they even flew if they were that worried.

Then there was the mother and her newborn, who didn't seem all that freaked out.

Maybe we're on our way back to normal again.  I hate seeing fear in people's eyes.

hey Boo-Boo, let's go get us a pic-a-nic basket!

We went on a hike in a state forest, which was serene and beautiful and calming.  One puzzling moment was seeing a person fishing by himself and wearing a mask.

Afterwards, we found a marvelous spot for a picnic!  It looked like a Bob Ross painting in person.

picnic spot

tasty beverage

It was definitely time to start quarantine drinking.  Some bourbon mixed with raspberry lemonade, blackberry seltzer, and holy fuck so delicious!

Evan Williams 100 proof

respite from record heat

I decided I needed a break from the record-breaking Florida heat.  And the sameness of daily life here.  I took a mini vacation up north and enjoyed cold weather for a few days.

Spring is glorious indeed.  Look at all of these tulips!!

tulips

not as bad as I expected

I finally went to get fresh food after not stepping foot inside a grocery store for over a month.  Because I had been traveling, I decided to do the responsible thing and self-quarantine for a couple of weeks.  I still had plenty of food to eat, but I really missed fresh produce.  Greens powder and frozen veggies aren't quite the same.

First I decided to walk along the beach sidewalk this morning to enjoy the nice ocean breezes and view.   The ocean was surprisingly calm, considering that we're under heavy wind warnings.  And it was delightful to watch the pelicans enjoying a deserted beach to fish and frolic.

After I walked a couple miles, I braved the scary grocery store.  I've heard such conflicting stories in different states and areas.  Some people said they couldn't find everything they wanted.  Others said, it was intimidating because of people's expressions and fear.

It kinda seemed normal to me except that all of the employees sounded muffled under their masks.  It made it a little harder to hear what they were saying.  Everyone was friendly though.  And I found everything I went for, including stuff I hadn't planned to buy.  (Hi to you, butterscotch chocolates.)  I made sure not to touch anything that I wasn't purchasing, which is how I ended up with the aforementioned chocolates.  I thought I was picking up dark chocolate truffles.  But I felt guilty to pick up something and put it back, so I bought it.

journaling and anxiety

I have no clever title for this entry.  I'm trying to lessen my anxiety by 'journaling.'  Whatever that is. 

Last night, I was lying in bed, relaxed, slipping into twilight sleep, when suddenly my brain decided to provoke an anxiety attack. 

WTF brain?!

Anyway, journaling is supposed to train my brain.   Or maybe meditation is supposed to train my brain?   Whatever.  I'm trying everything because anxiety sucks ass.

Apparently, reaching for a distraction is EXACTLY what you're not supposed to do to 'cure' anxiety.  So me calling someone for a soothing distraction was the wrong response.  But, it helped me to fall asleep, so I'll still call it a win.  Or maybe at least a draw.

And here I am the next morning, trying journaling.  Feel free to skip the next few days entries as I experiment with writing stream of consciousness.

get a grip!

Life seems to move in bursts these days.

Boring, boring, boring, EXCITING OMG, boring, boring, boring.

Or maybe my idea of excitement is different now, with most days running into one another.

I flew again a couple weeks ago, and the planes and airports are even more desolate than before.  My planes had more crew members on them than passengers.  And my flights were cancelled and re-booked at least four times.  They no longer serve any food or beverages on domestic flights, so I packed a lot of snacks.

O'Hare airport

To make my trip even more interesting, I flew home late at night (all the other flights were cancelled), and I had a tire blowout on the drive from the airport.

I pulled into a parking lot and called AAA.  They no longer allow people to ride in their tow trucks (because of the Plague) if they tow your car.  I thought I had two flat tires, which made me nervous, but I was able to add air to one to limp home on.  Originally, AAA told me close to an hour for the wait.  I didn't want to hangout on the side of the road that long, so I started to drive 5mph on my flat.  But then AAA called me back and said he was almost there.  He bumped me to the head of the line since I was stuck with a flat tire.  I gave him a good tip and thanked him profusely.

I was so exhausted when I finally got home.  And of course, I jumped into the shower and scrubbed all the Plague cooties off me.

Which brings me to today and MY BRAND NEW SET OF TIRES!!!

Holy shit, my car drives like a dream again.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

I made an appointment with my tire guy, and he remembered me from many years ago, which was fun.  My definition of fun may have changed, too.  We hung out and laughed and talked for over an hour in his warehouse.  It was so nice to be social again and see someone in person, without fear of contagion in their eyes.  We still did the physical distancing, as I'm not completely irresponsible.   And I came home and thoroughly washed my hands.

After taking a slight detour to drive by the beach.  The CLOSED beach.

smiles, the contagion we need

So many people are living in fear and loneliness these days.  That seems as unhealthy as catching a flu for most people.   Maybe even worse because that will lower your immune system and make you more susceptible to the icky stuff. 

Please remember that everyone is probably just as stressed as you are.  Smile and wave across the street.  Hold a friendly conversation with strangers you meet outside.  From a safe distance, of course.  

Smiles are the best kind of contagious. 

deserted desert

I recently flew cross-country to visit my brother, whom I hadn't seen in almost four years.  Neither one of us was doing great mentally when I bought the tickets, so it seemed that the benefits outweighed the risks.

I've flown all over the world, in all kinds of conditions,  This was certainly one of the most bizarre times, and the eeriest.  The airports and airplanes were close to empty.  Half of the people wore masks, and half (like me) walked around like it was normal, except for the incessant hand-washing and Happy Birthday singing.

O'Hare airport

Dallas airport

He and I laughed for hours and hours, which was good for our souls.  We also talked about deep personal and childhood traumas, which maybe helps to heal also.  I spent lots of time in nature at his ranch.  And getting unconditional love from his dogs.

Freya

Magnus

The one place that wasn't deserted was a mountain a couple hours away that we wanted to hike.  It was packed!!  And there was snow everywhere.  Deep snow.

snowman

squirrel

It was really nice to be away from civilization and not worry about things over which I have no control.

rooster

horse

cactus

apocalypse shopping

Pop and I went on on one of our routine (or so I thought) Costco shopping trips today.  We got there late morning to try to avoid the crowds.  Our first clue that it was atypical was that there wasn't one open parking space, even behind the building.  We waited for a woman to load her truck, and then we took her parking space. 

 

We skipped the toilet paper and water aisles, so I don't know how bad those were, but the shelves were fairly empty for Costco.  Every employee that we spoke to said it had been three solid days of this, and that it's been worse than Christmas and hurricane shopping.  And apparently we did get there at the 'slow' time.  It was more crowded when they first opened, and it was worse as we were leaving, when the lunch crowd was arriving.

It was certainly an experience.   Everyone was friendly, without a bunch of panicked pushing and grabbing.

I stocked up with some extra sardines and frozen food, but neither one of us went too crazy.

I hope we both look back on this day as just another bizarre life event and not one that changed our reality.

anxiety, coyotes, and cars, oh my!

I have been dealing with extra anxiety lately, although all anxiety feels extra to me.   It's kind of a new issue for me, so I feel completely unprepared to cope and manage it.  That said, exercise and sunshine seem like a cure-all for most of my mental health issues.  Or at least a nice distraction.

I decided to walk to the little neighborhood park in my flip-flops because I'm a dumbass and blistered off the back of both heels so severely that I can't wear shoes now.  Sigh.

Anyway, I was sitting on the bench in the sunshine, catching Pokemon, as one does, when I saw a coyote-looking dog trot briskly by.   I looked around to see where the owner was who let their dog off-leash.  And I heard a woman with her leashed dog exclaim, "that's a coyote!"

I know they're all over the suburbs now, but I've only ever seen a dead one locally.

The woman ran her dog over to her car, leaving her elderly mother standing on the path, holding onto her walker.  I kept an eye on Mom, the daughter, the last known place I had seen the coyote, and pretty much everywhere else, while still catching Pokemon.  We all have our own priorities, amirite??

The daughter seemed to be taking a longer time than I expected, so I ambled on over to Mom and asked if she was okay.  Holy shit, she was such a sweet old lady and just what I needed to soothe my anxious soul.  She complimented my hair and told me how beautiful I was.  I was kind of a mess -- red, puffy eyes from sobbing the day before, hair blown all over creation from the wind and from not de-tangling it in the past couple days.  That didn't make any difference to her.  She reminded me to be mindful about my gratitude.

We chatted a bit about life, until her daughter came back over and thanked me.  Before you judge the daughter too harshly, she had been making calls from the car to all the local dog owners to make sure their pets were safe.  I'm guessing she saw me hangout with Mom and assumed she would be fine for a few.  It's such a dichotomous feeling when interacting with elderly people.  Treat them as the adults they are, while still acknowledging their frailties.

I left Mom in good hands and proceeded to walk home, where I almost got hit by a car because some dumbass sped through my crosswalk without looking for pedestrians.  When I'm in sneakers, I can run and dodge and play human Frogger.  However, in flip-flops, that doesn't work as well.

That reminded me even more how grateful I am that my legs work well and that my feet usually have skin on the backs of them so I can painlessly wear shoes.

what's scarier than alligators?

It had been raining for the past few days, and I had been feeling down and cabin-feverish.  I decided to go on a longer hike than I'm used to through the Everglades with a local group.  Because it had been raining, I wore my hiking boots instead of my sneakers in case of muddy trails.  That was a good call initially.  Until the first mile when I started feeling some chafing on the backs of my heels.

I've had these same boots and heavy duty hiking socks for years and assumed they would be fine.  However I don't usually walk that fast or that far.  And I was an absolute dumbass and didn't say anything or try to adjust my laces or even turn back, although I could have done any of that.  The pain wasn't that bad, although in hindsight I realize I may have a weird idea of tolerable pain.

We saw bobcats, beautiful birds, and quite a few alligators, which I would have missed if I had turned back early.  I was in considerable pain after mile 5, but there was no shortcut to the car by then, and it was getting really dark.  So I pushed on. 

Driving home was so painful that I wouldn't stop for food even though I was hungry and craving a burger.  I took off my shoes the second I was inside and holy fuck, my poor heels were just abraded off.  I'll spare you the photos of that, but I will share the wildlife photos.

large 12 foot alligator

little bit closer to get a better photo

heron catching dinner

relaxing at the beach

beach

attack of the 'what ifs'

Anxiety is kicking my ass lately.  What if I never...?  What if X happens? 

I've tried several methods to quiet my brain, but I can't seem to get ahead of this.  I've tried guided meditation, walking in nature, weightlifting, socializing, alcohol, distractions, and talking to a trusted friend, among other things. 

I'm at my wit's end and not sure how much longer I can endure. 

My stomach is in knots, and I have to force myself to eat.  It usually wears off in a few days, so I'm hopeful I can stick it out until then.  Wish me calm.

Happy January

I've been using the daily action items from Action for Happiness calendars as a fun guide to add more smiles into the world, selfishly some of my own.

Today's Happy January is to go outside and notice five things that are beautiful.

Royal Palm Trees

Green Heron

20 for 20

I stopped making New Year's resolutions years ago.   If I want to change something, I'll change it whenever.   However, I started creating fun lists of things to do every year that would make my life better in some aspect.   I have a whole year to accomplish them, so there's not as much pressure on January first. 

One of the items on this year's list is to go back to my dermatologist.  On the surface, it's awful and I'll probably cry a lot.  But in the end, I need to get checked again for skin cancers that I can't see or may have missed.   It's something I managed to procrastinate all of last year.

I also like to put items on to push me out of my comfort zone.  Because that's where personal growth happens.  Right now, I have 'buy a sundress' on my list, but I may change it.  I haven't been much of a dress person before, but I'm attempting to expand my horizons.  Last year, I got three new dresses and wore more skirts and dresses than I have in the past several years combined.  So many women rave about how comfortable sundresses are.  I would like to feel more comfortable and confident wearing them, so it's on my list for now.  It's all predicated if I can actually find one that fits me.  But I have a year to look.

I need to find a couple more items to put on my list, so please send any suggestions my way.