Saturday, December 15, 2018

mama bear is fiercely emotional


Kitten was attacked by something two weeks ago.  She seemed shaken up and maybe bruised but relatively okay, no blood anywhere.  She was eating and using the litter box just fine.  Her lower back had a small lump which I thought was a bruise.  It turned out to be a nasty swollen infection, which I found out after it burst.  Ugggghhhhhhhhhhh.  So icky.

I cleaned her up with many warm, wet washcloths and hydrogen peroxide, after expressing the wound for a bit to make sure all the pus was out.  It bled clean, so I thought we had made a turn for the good.

But then yesterday, it started oozing pus again.  This morning she and I had a small conversation, and I explained that I needed to take her to the doctor.  I called the vet two minutes before they opened, and they said I could bring her right in.

I'm not sure who was traumatized more, Kitten or me.  She started howling while they held her down and shaved the spot.  Then he cleaned it, and more yowling.  Two shots (antibiotics and cortisone), and she was back in her carrier.  Meanwhile, I had to get a tissue and soak up the tears running down my face.  The vet assumed it was a cat that bit her, as those generally get infected.

I lugged her 13.4 pound pitiful ass back to the car and drove home.  She yowled some more for good measure.  She ate second breakfast and then went to hide in my closet.  Fingers crossed that she heals fast.

Tuesday, December 11, 2018

another day in paradise


I tried once again to have a mini vacation -- a one-day pass to Epcot.  You'd think the community of tomorrow would have found a cure for migraines.  Those lazy fuckers.

I did everything right.   It was a few days after my monthly migraine shot, so it was fresh in my system but not the first day after which can be jarring.  Apparently I'm very sensitive.  Sigh.  I tried to get enough sleep and eat strictly.  I had an eight day migraine-free streak, so I was doing something right. 

And then, BAM, the weather shifted abruptly, which obviously I can't control.  A few hours after arriving at the park, I started feeling the telltale signs.   I immediately took meds and then more 15 minutes later just in case.  Fortunately it never got too horrible where I needed to leave immediately, but it sure put a dent in my enjoyment and motivation to experience things.

I ended up sitting in a relatively quiet spot (who knew those existed?) by the Chinese Temple for half an hour or maybe longer (time is relative during an attack), while I had zero energy to walk.  All I really wanted was to curl up in bed.  

After that brief respite, I soldiered on and forced myself to fucking enjoy stuff.   The meds kicked in and made me somewhat numb and apathetic.  Not to mention the migraine itself wreaking havoc on my emotional and cognitive states.  It wasn't a complete waste of a day.  I did have fun and loved seeing the Pixar short films.  All of the rides I went on were extremely gentle.  I've learned my lesson about those.  Probably.

Oh well, maybe I can figure out some other nearby spot for a mini vacation next year.

Hope springs eternal, according to Alexander Pope.

Wednesday, November 28, 2018

beach, the pause that refreshes


I used to regularly go to beach workout every Sunday morning with many other people.  We had a core group (including my ex) who always went.  For years.  And we turned it into a whole day, including a picnic lunch and a relaxing soak in the ocean.

Then life got in the way.  Most of the core group got busy or moved away, so it fizzled out.  Plus my health got worse, and as you might imagine, beach workout doesn't sound as pleasant with a migraine.  Although to be fair, nothing sounds as pleasant with a migraine.

Anyway, that was a lot of rambling to say that I went again.  It was just two of us, but it felt glorious!!

It was my first time going back to that particular beach as a single person.  Fortunately, these firsts happen less and less often.  I got teary-eyed as I drove over the bridge, but I managed to compose myself by the time I parked and got to the beach.

We didn't do the smorgasbord of food, but we did treat ourselves with breakfast, after a splendid time playing in the waves and soaking in the majestic ocean.



Friday, November 9, 2018

decluttering


A few weeks ago a friend of mine challenged me to throw away one thing per day.  That sounded extremely arduous, but I like a new challenge, especially if I feel I can grow from it.  She gave me some persuasive arguments on how my emotional health will improve even if I merely clean out a closed drawer or closet. 

Before anyone freaks out thinking I live like a hoarder, my house is generally clutter-free, but I acknowledge that I have attachment issues.  I keep all kinds of stupid shit that I don't need.  For instance, why do I have three umbrellas, even though I rarely use one.  My mentality is I might need them some day, and why not keep three if I have the room.  Hence, why I needed her persuasive arguments.  Her bottom line is that I will feel better emotionally if I declutter.  Allegedly.  There's a book that is releasing soon called Outer Order, Inner Calm.   Same principle, I think.  And the author probably says it way better than I can.

Back to my challenge.  Surprisingly, I have been keeping up with it.  Some days, I get rid of more than one thing.  I donated one umbrella and decided to keep two.  That's still progress.  Go me.  I also threw out a mostly full three year old ketchup bottle.  Plus all the little ketchup packets that accumulate.  I don't even like ketchup.  Why did I save them?  Because I had room in my fridge and maybe one day I might need it.  Or one of my legions of invisible guests might.  :)  Ketchup always felt like a staple to me somehow. 

I'm having a much harder time getting rid of unused clothes, although before this challenge started, I did donate a bunch of business attire.  Clothing is so much more burdensome to get rid of because I hate shopping.  And I hate shopping because it's tricksy to find items that fit AND make me feel good about myself.  I usually end a shopping trip in tears with lowered self-esteem, even if it's ultimately successful. 

I'm eagerly awaiting the day I wake up and magically lose all of my attachment issues.  :)

Sunday, November 4, 2018

deathiversary


I'm not sure how I had nothing important to say for a month, but probably no nuggets of wisdom were missed.  

Today is my mom's deathiversary, so I decided to finish tackling the stack of letters that my sister saved from Mom when I was a baby.  I started reading them a week or so ago and then life got in the way.  I honestly have no idea what I do all day, but I manage to stay busy and usually upbeat.  

The very first letter I picked up made me teary-eyed because she mentioned how great it was having me as her daughter.  But most of the rest were generic anecdotes about life in the 70s.  Which was pretty interesting to read, too. 

It's making me appreciate the complexity of the human she was.  I went through a phase for several years where all I could remember were the bad things about her.  But these letters are helping me to remember her good qualities, too.  She did her best raising us, and she did teach some great life lessons.  For that I will always be grateful.  


Friday, September 28, 2018

self compliments are hard


I've been having all kinds of mood swings lately.  I can't tell anymore (could I ever?) if they're migraine-related, hormonal, or general life.  One minute, I'm living my best life, laughing and feeling good, despite all of my problems.  And 20 minutes later, I'm contemplating the meaning of life.  PRO-TIP:  Don't do that.  Ever.

I keep pushing on because I'm not sure what else I can do.  I've been constantly reminding myself of the below Success picture.


I've been able to workout in the gym more often lately, but it comes with a price that is hard to explain to other fitness buffs.  I'm stronger than I've ever been (except for that fucking pickled beets jar the other night that almost defeated me).  However, every time I workout, my brain pays the price, which confuses me.  One the one hand, lovely, lovely serotonin and dopamine boosts.  On the other hand, increased migraine attacks.  FUCK YOU, BRAIN!  Just kidding, I love you.  Don't forsake me!

I joined an online fitness group, which sounds kind of oxymoronic, but it's more for moral support and knowledge transfer than actual group exercises.  I implemented daily exercise challenges, because on the days I don't workout, I need that extra push to do ONE thing each day. 

The current challenge is a week-long emotional fitness exercise.  Many of us struggle with body image, which is rampant in the fitness community.  This week's challenge is to compliment myself every time I compliment someone else.  I've learned two things so far.  I'm very generous with compliments to others, and I'm stingy as fuck to myself.

I look in the mirror and see age, scars and flaws.  When I look at others, I have a much kinder outlook.  I see their Wabi-Sabi greatness.  I see fortitude and resilience instead of scars.  I see a survivor instead of a loser with flaws.  Therefore this week, I'm trying to turn that external eye inwards.

Tuesday, August 28, 2018

don't let perfect be the enemy of good


My dad had been hounding me to allow him to paint one of my interior house walls that, to be frank, looked like shit.  But it sounded stressful and so much work and blah blah blah.  After years, I didn't have any more excuses.  I'm not working.  Modern paint doesn't smell anymore.  He has plenty of time and was back in town permanently, after 18 months of nomading around the country visiting various siblings.

I had picked out a few possible paint chips months ago, based on a suggestion from a friend, of pulling the blue from a nearby oil painting, coincidentally that my dad loaned to me twenty years ago.  When my dad asked me which paint chip, I let him make the final call.  I liked all of them.  We went to Home Depot together, handed the paint specialist the winning chip, and let him do his magic.  Meanwhile, my dad regaled him with his adventure stories.

Off we went to lunch, and then we called it a day.  Painting could wait. 

This morning, he told me his appointment was canceled, and he could come by to paint.

I decided today was as good as any other day, as my head was relatively clear, so I agreed.

I was already getting tense watching him prep and drag the ladder around.  I decided for both of our sanity, to go upstairs and not watch.  There I found Kitten, hiding under the bed.  I didn't quite join her, but I grabbed the bottle of rum and had a medicinal sip or two. 

I lied in bed and checked on him every 30 minutes or so.  He scrubbed off all the leftover wallpaper detritus (I told you it looked shitty before), and then he took a lunch break, where he enthralled me with stories of my mother, his youth, swimming nuns, and inner city school shenanigans.

After lunch, he taped up most of the edges, and got to work.  I disappeared upstairs again.  Kitten came out from under the bed to snuggle with me and cried.  I'm not really sure why she was crying, but maybe because the downstairs was in disarray.  We're both very sensitive creatures to our environments.  She normally doesn't like people, but she tolerates my dad.

The next time I came downstairs, I was the proud owner of an Atlantis Blue accent wall.

It's not perfect, but it's a helluva lot better than it was, and he was so motherfucking happy to be useful.  Plus he said it will make him smile every time he comes over and sees it.  Awwww.


Monday, August 20, 2018

warrior becomes wise woman


Growing older is tricksy for me.  It feels like only last week that I was a vibrant, ass-kicking, young woman.  And somewhere along the way, I stopped being young and not as willing to kick ass.  Now, I feel middle-aged, but who am I kidding, I probably won't live until my nineties.  Although, to be fair, I didn't think I'd live past 20, or 30, or 40.  And 50 is rapidly creeping up on me.

Does everyone go through this?  Is this why philosophy exists?

I'm sure that my disability (UGH I HATE SAYING THAT) helped age me prematurely.  It's hard to feel young and vibrant from a sickbed.

I've been having a better couple of months than the ones preceding these.  Having 45 out of 90 days as migraine days was just not conducive to living.  (I'm looking at you April, May, and June!)  Fortunately, I'm way better and back down to 4 or 5 migraine days a month.  YIPPEE!

This allows me to exercise, socialize, and be productive (all done judiciously, of course, so as not to trigger additional attacks).

I've been going for walks most days in this godawful Florida heat and humidity, and it seems to be agreeing with me.  Most days are so miserable that I'm sure I look like a crazy lady, being outside on purpose in the middle of the day.  I view it as a free and entertaining (because the scenery changes) sauna.   (Apparently saunas are extremely healthy activities.) 

Obviously, I don't push myself past what feels right, but yesterday I was dumb.  I was in migraine postdrome (AKA hangover mode), and I went farther than I should have, didn't bring water, and didn't eat properly first.  I sat down several times in the shade to catch my breath and let my heart return to normal beats.  The postdrome eventually dissipated, and I felt better after a shower and a quick nap.

I also get to meet lots of dogs out getting their exercise.  And other wildlife.

Raccoon foraging for food

Monday, August 13, 2018

battery not included


A little over two years ago my car battery died, and I was an emotional mess having to replace it.  I was still coping with being single and making automotive decisions.  Fortunately for me, my dad was nearby and helped me through the process.  Unfortunately for me, I didn't listen to my brother's advice to buy a battery tender then.  (FORESHADOWING)

Fast forward a couple years and me not driving much (which would have subsequently charged my new battery as often as it needed), and that one died, too.  I thought, no big deal, it's under warranty for three years.

Except if you don't drive enough.  Fucking cheatsy fuckers.

The man who came out to check it offered me an on-the-spot discount if I buy a new one now.  Generally, I don't fall for those, but it was worth it to have a working car, especially when I didn't have anyone nearby who could help me with this.  I was texting my brother who very graciously only I-told-you-so'd me once.

Cars intimidate me.  So does electricity.  But, I was expecting a friend who happens to be a genius at electricity to visit me, so I ordered the battery tender that my brother HIGHLY recommended.

My friend hooked it all up and explained to me exactly what to do to charge it and how to unplug it each time.  It felt very simple and not as intimidating. My brother recommended a special battery extension cord for it (who knew?), so I didn't have to open the hood each time.  Guess who hooked that up all by herself???  Whatever, I was proud of myself.  :)

It feels so fucking calming to know my battery will work, even if I haven't driven my car for 5 days. 

It's still a learning process.  My friend recommended plugging it into a power strip so I can turn it off when my car is gone (to allow the tender to rest).  Apparently, it's important to plug the charger into the battery AND turn the power strip on every time.  Sigh.  I'll get the hang of it eventually. 

Not only do I have peace of mind, I also think of my brother and my friend every time I hook it up.  And I feel loved.  :))


battery tender


Monday, July 16, 2018

mango gummy yummies


Even though my main mango tree didn't fruit this year because of trauma sustained in Hurricane Irma, one of its pups finally did for the first time.  I didn't have an overabundance of mangoes, but I had several tasty ones that all came ripe at the same time.

A friend suggested making homemade mango gummies, which I'd never done before.  It sounded simple enough and intriguing.  SPOILER ALERT: Not so easy.

I lost my ever-loving mind in the store shopping for molds.  SO MANY FUN CHOICES OMG!!

Food molds


A friend was in the car with the AC running, keeping the groceries cold.  We had just come from the grocery store to get gelatin and tons of chickens for Kitten.  I didn't know fuckall about food molds, so I went in completely ignorant.  I started texting photos to make sure this was what I was supposed to buy.  And somewhere along the way, the giggles set in.  I ended up hysterically laughing (to the point of tears) all by myself choosing these.

I began winnowing down the choices.


Narrowing my choices


Until I ended up with these.

Final selection


We cut up several mangoes and puréed them.

Chunks

Liquefied


Dissolved the gelatin in boiling water and mixed it in with the mangoes.





And finally carefully poured the mixture into the molds, with the excess going into plastic cups.

Filling the molds

I very impatiently let them chill in the fridge for several hours.
Chilling and setting

They still didn't seem as firm as gummies should, so I let them sit overnight.  It turns out the mistake was in not quadrupling the gelatin amount.  After searching a bit more, there is some controversy on whether or not mangoes contain bromelain, an enzyme that denatures protein.  Next time, I will try only multiplying the gelatin amount.  If that doesn't work, I will try boiling the mangoes.


amorphous blob or prehistoric terror?



Friday, July 13, 2018

doing much better


For those of you keeping track and reading only about my woes, I finally have good news to report.

I had a much better month migraine-wise (only 3 attacks in 30 days), which led me to getting cocky and trying an experiment starting today.  I increased my daily ubiquinol dosage about a month ago, which coincided with having fewer migraine attacks.  Causation?  Who knows, but I'll take it either way.

I came across a migraine study from the American Headache Society conference two weeks ago which explained more clearly why CoQ10 might help those with migraine.  While researching that, I dove into the ubiquinone vs. ubiquinol rabbit hole.  And that led me to several more studies that seemed to conclude that I fell for the hype when ubiquinol first came out ten years or so ago, saying it was more bio-available for people my age.

That was a long roundabout way of saying my experiment starting today is switching to ubiquinone (which is significantly cheaper) and seeing if I enjoy the same pain-reduced results.  Fuck, I'm terrified.  Wish me luck!  I've been spending close to $5 a day and can go down to a little over a dollar per day.  Hence the motivation to try this.  If funds were unlimited, I wouldn't change a thing, just in case.

On top of my fantastic migraine month, I had my eye checkup today, and everything looks hunky-dory.  YIPPEE!!!!


Thursday, June 7, 2018

madness is creeping in


I've had more migraine days this month than non-migraine days.  But that's not a disability according to Social Security.  I'm still bitter.

Yesterday, I was able to workout at the gym with my friend and have a sushi lunch together.  It was the first time I felt like leaving my house in over a week.  I came home so recharged and refreshed.  I truly needed that.

I forced myself to go for a short walk a few days prior because I'm dumb and thought maybe fresh air and slight exercise might help.  I barely made it home without vomiting or fainting.

I've had many days of lying in bed with an ice-pack, wondering why.

Why bother?

Why me?

Why do I feel so young and fantastic some days and so old and decrepit others?

Why did life go so horribly wrong?

Yes, I know it's random and no deeper meaning, but my mind still yearns for answers.

I've been listening to audio books and am almost through the whole Chronicles of Narnia series.  It's mostly soothing, although I adjust the volume level every few minutes, depending on my AC running, the amount of rain falling, any other outside noise, the placement of the ice-pack on my face, and just general pain and irritation levels.  Plus there's one screechy talking mouse, Reepicheep, whose voice grates on my literal nerves.  My trigeminal starts to attack me when he talks.

I have moments of lucidity when the meds kick in so I can feed the cat and myself, although my appetite hasn't been prodigious except for after the gym.  Mostly I've been surviving on frozen food because standing (or sitting on the floor) at the microwave for four minutes is about all I can endure.

My supplies are running low, and I will have to venture forth soon to replenish them.  I keep telling myself tomorrow I will wake up better.  It's kind of amazing how resilient hope is, even when all of the evidence is to the contrary.

Saturday, May 26, 2018

so much rain


It's been almost two weeks straight of torrential rain, supposedly over 10 inches, with another 4-8 falling this weekend from Subtropical Storm Alberto.  I've had migraine after migraine, although I've caught a break the last 3 days.  Instead of a full-blown migraine, I've only had the prodrome with irrational emotions and excessive fatigue.  I snapped at my sister (sorry again!) and have been sleeping on and off about 10 hours a day, with just enough energy when I'm awake to feed Kitten and sometimes myself.

Washing my hair has become non-essential with my pittance of energy levels, so it looks atrocious, especially because I've been lying down on it.  One day, I'll splurge and buy a silk pillowcase to see if that helps my hair the way people claim.

Saturday, May 19, 2018

here, there be dragons


There was another #PokemonGOCommunityDay, starring Charmander this time.  It's a dragon in case the title didn't clue you in.  Last month I made friends with other players, and this month I felt part of the group.  Yay.  I was even invited to join in their pot luck at the park.

The bad news is that we are under Flood Watch because it's been raining for a week straight.  I've had migraine after migraine after migraine this week, but not one during the event.  Yay!  I got out my umbrella to take with me and realized that it would be hard to hold an umbrella and still play the game on my phone.  So I opted for the waterproof phone case instead.  I wore clothes and shoes that could get wet and went to play in the rain.

Holy smokes, I got soaked!  Except for my hair, which was still dry underneath because it's so thick.

It was kind of hilarious to see so many adults playing video games in the rain.  I saw one little girl who looked miserable, huddled in her jacket against the rain, while her parents were catching 'em all.  I gave her a big smile, but she was having none of it.  Mostly it was adults.

And most had an umbrella.  I bet their arms were cramped after a couple hours of holding it in that position.  I was happy with my choice to forego one because it was fun being carefree and getting rained on.
 

Shiny Charizard (the final evolution of Charmander)

Thursday, May 17, 2018

CELEBRATION!


The first ever migraine preventative medication was FDA approved!!  It's the shot I've been clinical trialing for the past four years.  I've had so many friends and family texting me with the good news.  It makes me both happy and sad to be remembered.  Happy because someone cares enough to think of me.  And sad because that's how people know me, migraines so bad that a new medication is announced and OMG LET'S TEXT WENDY.

A journalist wanted to interview me for an article, but my doctor's office asked that I not do that.  I regretfully declined.  It's all proprietary protocols, I guess, not that I know anything of what goes into it.  I barely know the dosage.  I'm not usually one to be in the spotlight, but I feel strongly enough about migraine to override that concern.

I also feel like I'm disappointing my friends and family when I tell them that it didn't cure me.  Yes, I have improved, but only enough to take care of myself, not enough to hold down a job.

Tuesday, May 15, 2018

midnight plumbing


As I was getting ready for bed last night, I heard the toilet cycling through and refilling even when I hadn't used it.  After searching online and texting my friend, I figured out what the problem was.  I watched several YouTube videos and am now an expert.  However, I decided to leave it alone and get my beauty rest.

I watched one more YouTube video where he said I maybe don't need to buy a new canister seal, I could just wash it off and reseat it.  I didn't save that video, but he should get the credit because this morning, I did exactly that.  And the toilet stopped cycling through the refill phase.  Go me!

If it happens again, I can easily buy the piece and replace it.  Thank you to everyone who makes YouTube videos and easily explains what goes where and what needs to be replaced and how.

Monday, May 7, 2018

price of admission


Never regret the price you pay to become who you are.  

I love this quote from Iain Thomas.




Thursday, May 3, 2018

DENIED!


Irony is anxiously waiting every day for the mail to find out about my social security disability approval process, and then skipping a day because I was too disabled to WALK OUTSIDE TO MY MAILBOX and finding the letter the next day saying I was denied.

Their letter:
"We understand you have some challenges with your condition according to multiple doctors, but we don't have migraine on our approved list, so you don't qualify and kindly go fuck yourself."

I might be paraphrasing what they said, so I should probably remove the quotation marks.  But according to the tears running down my face, that's what my brain assimilated.

The good news is that I was able to get to the mailbox today.  Yay for less pain and not thinking the sun is the epitome of evil.  The bad news is I started crying while talking to a lawyer because my brain was so fuddled that I didn't understand his question asking if I could work a full-time job.  But, hey, no, I'm sharp as a snail and can easily hold down a job.  GODDAMN FUCKERS.

Deep breaths, Wendy.  Crying might wake the monster again.



Thursday, April 26, 2018

step into the light with ferrets


I dreamt my brother had tiny light-sabers with which he battled his ferrets.  He's not a big Star Wars nerd and hasn't had ferrets since we were teenagers.  Brains are weird.  

The light-sabers were purple, if that matters.  I can hear whole choruses of Star Wars fans saying "of course it does!"  Most sites say purple is moral ambiguity.  One says purple is for Sith who changed to good.  And ferrets represent either curiosity or spying, depending on your outlook I guess.

I haven't been to the gym in over a month because of stitches and scheduling and laziness.  Last night I decided to do a few pushups (only 25 before I almost died) and some squats, with the alternate knees twisting inward at the bottom while holding the squat.  It's supposed to increase hip mobility and blah blah blah.

Anyway, I'm wondering if the exertion right before bedtime made my brain do calisthenics, too.

Saturday, April 21, 2018

validation proclamation


Why do I still feel the need to be validated in my migraines?  I've been attending (virtually) the Migraine World Summit, and it's bringing tears to my eyes in almost every talk.  Healthcare professionals understand what I'm going through.

Each day there are different guest speakers being interviewed, and there is something for everyone.  Most are highly technical and really explore the chemical reactions that happen in our bodies.  All have compassion for their patients and are quick not to blame us for this neurological disorder.

I like that so many are honest in expressing their missing knowledge.  Not to say that they aren't educated, but that there are many unknowns in the field.  What works well for one person can have the opposite effect in another.  Or even in that original person at a different time.  And no one is blaming that person for fucking up something.  Yes, I've been on the other end of that many times. 

"You probably didn't take the medication right, that's why it didn't work."

"Are you sure you drank enough water?"

"Maybe you aren't sleeping as well as you thought."

"Is your stress under control?"

"How dare you eat (insert common food here) when you have migraines?" 

This last one is a doozy because experts have concluded that foods aren't necessarily triggering migraines, but they might be part of the prodromal craving associated with an impending migraine attack.  Whether or not I ate that bite of cheese had nothing to do with that migraine.

The bottom line is that treatment needs to be personalized for everyone and probably will change at different times in our lives.  Did I become a high maintenance woman because of my high maintenance brain?  Or is it fitting that a high maintenance person would have a high maintenance disorder?

Why not both?

Thursday, April 19, 2018

don’t litter, it makes the world bitter


I battled a demon.  Literally!!

I went to take out my trash and there was an ENORMOUS palmetto bug (aka American cockroach aka winged demon) living in it.  HOLY FUCK!  I won't include any links or pics in case anyone has phobias.  They are a hazard of Florida living and come inside after heavy rains.

I donned protective gear in the form of hiking boots, but I deemed gardening gloves as too excessive.  Plus I was afraid I would lose some necessary dexterity.  And what if the fucker crawled inside?  UGHHHHHH.  I armed myself with vinegar spray.  I don't like using poison in my house because of my cat.  I kicked the garbage canister a few times and shark-bumped the lid about eight times.  And then I gave myself a lecture about how they aren't dangerous and I'm bigger blah blah blah.  I finally pulled off the lid and threw it down in case he was hiding inside.  SPOILER:  He wasn't.  But a piece fell off the lid.  Sigh. 

I decided to stop being a 'fraidy cat and deal with it.  I vaguely recall picking these bugs up with my bare hands when I was a kid to scare my teacher.  When did that change?  And why was I such an asshole?

I saw him scurry down inside the trash bag; and I quickly pulled the drawstrings, tied it up, and ran to put it by the curb.  ICKKKKKKK

Afterward, I came inside and thoroughly cleaned the can, the lid, and all around it.  I replaced the piece that flew off.  I hope it stays on.

Then it was on to the recycling. 

Earlier this week, I was filling my glass with water when the bottom literally fell out.  I've had this glass for years, and I've no idea why it chose then to separate.  I watched it fall in slow motion past my bare feet and hit the tile floor.  I was expecting a bloodbath as glass shards went flying, but there was nothing I could do.  I stayed put so I wouldn't accidentally step onto a shard.  Miraculously, it hit the floor and didn't shatter.  Not even one speck of blood.  Go me!  The black spots are where my black salt left a residue.  I promise I wasn't drinking moldy water.  I sometimes add unrefined salt to my water to replace electrolytes for migraine prevention.

glass that lost its bottom

I realized that my utensil drawer was overflowing with plastic scoops.  They come free in various powders, and I have the bad habit of saving things that might be useful later.  They rarely are.  I texted my brother to ask if he needed any because he's one of the most resourceful people I know.  I waited for the text back saying he uses them for some fantastical unique purpose.  Instead, the text I received was that he has tons of these, too.  Into the recycling bin they go.  Don't worry, I saved a few just in case.

so many scoops

I hope I didn't exceed my courage limit today because I have another dermatology appointment this afternoon.  Deep breaths...
 

Tuesday, April 17, 2018

do androids dream of electric sheep?


I've been playing Pokemon Go mostly as a solo game, although I have met various people out and about.  It's felt unseemly to play at my age, so I don't talk about it much.  I'm not old enough where it's cute, and I'm certainly not young enough to be in the demographic.  Or so I thought.

Sunday was #PokemonGOCommunityDay, and I figured it would be a good excuse to go outside and enjoy some fresh air.  Community Day is a three hour long event where they release extra spawns of a certain type.  This one was sheep.  I decided the local park would be nice for exercise and beautiful scenery. 

I got there about twenty minutes early and was SHOCKED to see the parking lot overflowing onto the street.  I parked two blocks away.  As I walked up, people were losing their minds coordinating raid battles, which I usually ignore because I can't solo them.  I gave myself an attitude adjustment and became social.  I joined two different raids and chatted a little.  Apparently Pokemon is serious business because these people stayed on topic.

One other detail I noticed was the age demographic.  There were a few kids, but it looked like they were dragged along by their parents.  Mostly it was adults, and I fit squarely in the middle.  It was surreal to hear older people yelling across the park about which augmented reality fictional characters were spotted.  I also ran into my favorite Thai restaurant owners there.  They'd setup a whole spread under a pavilion and invited me over to join their family.  I politely declined because I was there to catch 'em all not eat.  Just goofing.  I declined because I felt awkward crashing a family party I didn't know that well.

shiny Mareep

After ninety minutes, I was exhausted and sweaty.  It was the hot humidity before a violent night of storms.  I left early, showered, and went to bed early to nurse a migraine.  WHICH I STILL FUCKING HAVE.  It's not a bad one, so gratitude??

I heard a study mentioned this morning that says the more I focus on the pain, the more my physical brain structure changes, causing more pain.  See??  Denial really is the best medicine. 

Saturday, April 14, 2018

feeling extra and hungry


I've only ever used my sous vide for steak.  I wasn't too sure about this Xmas present, but the steaks were extremely tender eleventy-five hours later, with minimal effort (my kind of cooking).  However, I had to start planning way ahead on what to eat.

An acquaintance mentioned he makes eggs in his.  So I decided to experiment with mine.  I was still satiated from the earlier kale mango lassi, so I didn't mind waiting an hour to eat again.  I quickly searched up a recipe and then improvised because I couldn't be bothered to grate cheese or pre-cook bacon.  I couldn't even be bothered to use a spoon earlier as you might recall.

I cracked open two eggs, cut some goat cheese chunks, grabbed some mushrooms, topped it off with snips of raw bacon, and stirred it in the jar.  I was a bit leery about the glass shattering and making a mess, (especially after cleaning the other side of my kitchen earlier), but apparently I'm not strong enough to over-tighten the jar.

I forgot the salt until after I started it.  Oops.  And I obviously skipped the searing step.  All in all, it was easy, filling, and nutritious.  I'll work on the taste and appearance next time.



sous vide egg bites
needs salt
fancy eating

it came from Mars


I bought a giant bag of kale and somehow it was tougher than I expected (even though it's the same kind I've been buying for years).  I decided after slogging through three meals like a cow chewing her cud, that I'd rather have it in my mango lassi, all blended and soft. 

I had a large tub of goat yogurt and some frozen mango from before my tree got blown down in the hurricane; and, I decided to make an easy breakfast.  I added some Pau d'Arco and chia seeds just because they're healthy and wouldn't affect the flavor, plus a bit of water for liquidity. 

I'm not big on measuring, so I threw in some mango, some yogurt, and some kale.  I blended it up, tasted it, and decided it needed a little more yogurt.  Guess who was too lazy to dirty a spoon?  I poured it in fine the first time. 

Guess what didn't pour easily the second time because the entire tub splashed in?

Guess who had green sticky goop splatter all over the counter, the cupboards, the fridge, the floor, and herself?

You're a good guesser!

kale mango lassi

Thursday, April 12, 2018

snakes and ladders


As part of my process to apply for disability, I was required (or maybe strongly advised) to see one of their doctors.  It was very weird in that I had to get undressed.  Over my many years and various doctors, I've never had to get undressed to be examined for migraine.  They gave me a paper sheet, and it wasn't creepy, but it was odd.

I was prepared and brought in 20 pages of my migraine diary from the last three years (254 attacks).  I gave him a comprehensive description of my life and treatment.  And yet after I left, I felt like I'd fucked up.  I had anxiety the rest of the day and all throughout the night.  I barely slept. 

I hate this process.  My life feels like a game of snakes and ladders, where I'm hitting snake after snake recently.

Tuesday, April 10, 2018

Goldilocks


Guess who had a blissfully cool (but not too cold) sleep last night??   ME!!!

The first repairman showed up about 2pm (almost first thing in the morning like promised) to inspect the inside and outside units.  Then he delivered the bad news that my outside one was a goner.  The good news was that the inside handler (behind a wall, wtf) was still going strong.  YIPPEE!

I had a brief moment of embarrassment when he had to move my clothing rack to disassemble the wall.  I moved the many pairs of jeans.  (They'll come back into style again; high-waisted did unfortunately.)  But the clothing rack has over 100 t-shirts hanging on it.  I may have a small addiction.  And I had forgotten about the top shelf, on which rested several empty shoe boxes.  Why?  No clue.  I have since gotten rid of those.  Progress.

He very nicely replaced the rack and told me my options.  Either buy a new outside unit or die a sweaty death.  I opted for the non-fatal option, which he said they might get to that day.  It was already after 2pm.

By 6pm, four guys had shown up to install the new air conditioner unit, including the company owner from Sunday night.  Spoiler alert:  No crying this time, which is better progress than getting rid of five empty shoe boxes.

Despite the regrettable circumstances of being sweaty and paying gobs of money, I enjoyed myself for an hour, chatting with them.  I went outside to offer water and stayed outside to socialize and get an education on R-22 vs. R-410A refrigerants, random boating knowledge, and the powers of raw aloe vera according to one's long-dead Grandma.  She wasn't wrong.

Monday, April 9, 2018

I'm hot


Because my air conditioner broke.

Probably I was supposed to have maintenance done on it.  It's one of the many things that has slipped through the cracks, like my skin cancer maintenance.  I'm sure others will rear their ugly heads at some point.  The good news is that it's not officially Summer yet.  The bad news is that it's unofficially Summer this week, with highs in the upper 80s Fahrenheit.

I called my AC repairman from years ago, and yippee, he's still in business and was able to come out on a Sunday.  The bad news is it's not an easy fix, so he has to come back today.  And he's extremely busy all week, so I hope he can fit me in today.

He's also super nice and asked how we were doing.  Notice the plural.  I explained we split up, and to my horror and embarrassment (probably his, too), I started crying.  It's been three years.  What the fuck already.  He's been through it, too, so he was very kind, but it's uncomfortable when it's a casual acquaintance.  So then he asks what I'm up to work-wise.  Sigh.  I said I'm exploring my options.  So then he said, well at least you're healthy and look great.  At this point, I'm agreeing with him and pushing him out the door before I really start bawling.  I don't feel healthy anymore, but I was in fact, having a good hair day, so I'll take that.  :)

As soon as he left, I started crying harder.   After five minutes, I forced myself to stop so as not to trigger a migraine.  I turned off my phone and decided to binge watch TV.  I put my ceiling fan on high and crawled on top of my bed.  From years of migraine experience, I knew that sleeping with an ice pack on my head can make me cold.  I was on the verge of getting one anyway, so I got the ice pack out and slept fitfully through the night.

I have to keep reminding myself that grief is the price we pay for love.  And I certainly don't want to go through life without love.  Therefore, I'm allowing myself to grieve in small, hopefully non-migraine inducing doses.

Saturday, April 7, 2018

tempus edax rerum


Time devours everything.

I'd been looking at my gorgeous Waterford Crystal clock, with the same wrong time, for a while now.  It was less expensive to buy a card of five batteries at once, so I did.  They arrived today in an overly large box.
batteries


I successfully changed the Waterford battery very easily because they're a classy company that makes high quality products.

Waterford Crystal obelisk clock


I still had four batteries left and remembered an old Brighton clock with a dead battery sitting in a drawer.  I pulled that out and spent 30 minutes trying to pop the back off without injuring myself or anything else.  Holy fuck, why so difficult, Brighton??  There was no notch!

Brighton clock


It feels kind of weird to have clocks around.  I'm so used to looking at my phone to see the time and feeling temporally confused when it's on the charger or in another room.

Friday, April 6, 2018

cognitive dissonance


I promised to expound more on feeling old and decrepit.

It's a bizarre dichotomy.  On my good days, of which there are still far too few, I feel great, healthy, and normal.  And then the guilt kicks in.  Maybe I shouldn't apply for disability because I'm not disabled today.  Yes, I know that's not how disability works.  Guilt isn't logical.

Future Wendy says, "Hurry up and run your errands right now!  It could take you out at any moment!"

Healthy Wendy says, "Take it easy.  Don't overtax yourself because you know what happens."

Politically Correct Wendy says, "Quit victim-blaming, mofo!"
Fun Wendy says, "OMG, fucking relax, you deserve some indulgence after all of this shit.  Otherwise, what's the point?"



And then the other boot drops.  Hard.  And I am so appreciative that I am applying for disability because there's no way I could hold down a job, never knowing when that steel-toed boot will kick me to the ground.

Grateful Wendy says, "Thank fuck you went shopping earlier and have plenty of food."
Perfectionist Wendy throws her hands up and says, "Fuck it, I guess this is good enough for how shitty you feel.  If you're in bed today, you won't even notice that the living room needs to be vacuumed."
Frustrated Wendy says, "Why am I so old and decrepit after eating and living so healthily?"
Sad Wendy wonders, "Is this all there is to existence?" and sometimes throws a Pity Party.  Quietly.

Fun Wendy is nowhere to be found.


It's very busy inside my head, except when I forcefully eject everyone out for five minutes to meditate, which requires all kinds of permits that are a hassle to obtain.


Monday, April 2, 2018

stitches get itches


I guess everything is healing nicely, because it's starting to itch.  The incision is on my back and covered with steri-strips so I can't really see what's going on, even with mirrors.  I'll assume the best because I'm almost an optimist.

I'm starting to feel like an old, retired person now.  My days are occupied with doctors visits and health concerns.  Ugh.  I should shut the fuck up and be grateful that I have access to these specialists which I apparently so desperately need BECAUSE I'M OLD AND DECREPIT.  (More on that later.)

The incision got a bit painful when the anesthesia wore off, but the pain never passed a 4 on my scale of 10.  Unfortunately, the migraine that hit me the following morning was much higher (let's say 9 because 10 is too depressing to contemplate).  And it was on the opposite side of my body, so I couldn't get comfortable.  Roll to the right, owww.  Roll to the left, motherfucking owww.

It was a long miserable day.  Two triptan pills and one triptan injection later (which I accidentally jabbed into a blood vessel and holy fuck that hurt), my head was recovering.  Kitten came and visited, without hurting me.  Yay!

I was way too scared to take any Tylenol for my incision because that might set off my head again.  I moved gingerly for a couple days, which is what normal pain is designed to do, so in a weird logical way, I didn't mind the pain so much.

Friday, March 30, 2018

snitches get stitches


I had seriously been dreading this procedure to remove the rest of the cancer, or at least the rest of that particular one.

I was out of the waiting room lickety-split.  I didn't even get the WiFi password for my phone before I was being whisked down to my exam room.  The nurse was explaining things, telling me where to sit, and handing me a gown when the doctor came in.  He started asking me questions and lifted the back of my t-shirt to see.  He said I could keep it on and forego the gown if I wanted.  That sounded good to me.  Perhaps he was trying to save on his laundry bill, but I was comfier.  Fortunately my shirt was black because I bled on it.  What a surprise.

Next thing I know, I was face-down with needles in my back getting numbed.  I asked for extra because sometimes I metabolize anesthetia faster than others.  He talked for a minute and cut into me a minute later.  Eleven minutes after I had walked into the office, my cancer was out.  However, I didn't know that until they verified it with a microscope and pathology-trained dermatologist onsite.  It's why I opted for this method.  They came in about 30 minutes later to tell me.  Yippee!  Such a relief.

But, I still needed to wait for the plastic surgeon to stitch me up all pretty-like.

That wait was over an hour.  Apparently there were complications with the previous patient.  I didn't mind waiting for someone who took their time and did a good job.  I amused myself by texting friends, snooping through the examination room, and quietly crying.

While being stitched up finally, it turned out the plastic surgeon and I had met previously, luckily on good terms.  An awkward (on my part) conversation ensued.  Somehow I prefer my medical professionals to not socialize with me.  Yes, I know they're people.  And I don't mind socializing with other medical people, just not mine.  It's weird for me.


Tuesday, March 27, 2018

the Summer of Wendy


A friend came into town for Spring Break and to have a joint vacation.  We went to so many fabulous dining establishments.  And managed a quick trip down to Key West.  Yay!

Guess who fucked the Keys trip up a little by getting a migraine?

PICK ME!
PICK ME!

We stopped for lunch in Key Largo, where we had the best alligator I've ever eaten.  The coconut shrimp was delectable, too.

Key Lime Gator

Coconut Shrimp


Then on to No Name Key where we detoured to look for tiny Key Deer.  And where I had a mini freakout session.  The heat, the bright sunlight, and the frustration of not seeing any deer all contributed to it.  Mostly it was just me losing control of my emotions and not realizing that a migraine had snuck up on me.  Fortunately I wasn't driving, so I popped some meds.

It sounds ridiculous to think that these fuckers can still sneak up on me.  But one moment I'm fine and then by degrees, I get crankier and moodier and pain-ier and stabbier.  Usually after I've snapped at someone, I realize what's happening.  Then I'm swamped with guilt and tears, none of which helps the situation.  It's an emotional roller-coaster.  I fucking hate roller-coasters.  Especially emotional ones.  Especially mine.

I was feeling much better by the time we'd checked into our hotel in Key West.  I had only a sip each of our welcome (non-alcoholic) piña colada and daiquiri, too scared I'd worsen the migraine to veer off my water intake.  We did all the touristy stuff like see the (incorrect) southernmost point monument and watch sunset from Mallory Square.  We walked by the Hemingway House to look for polydactyl kitties.  We saw a few free-roaming kitties but didn't get close enough to count their toes.

welcome drinks

Hemingway cat



It was nice to see that the infamous Key West chickens had survived Hurricane Irma.  I'd read at the time that some locals had given shelter to ones they could catch.

Key West chickens

Apparently they opened a rum distillery since the last time I'd been down there.  Who knew?  Of course, we had to tour it and do a tasting.  Because of the reprieved migraine, I barely stuck my tongue in each type to get the flavor of them.  My favorite to drink was the Cuban Coffee Rum, which had a nice espresso rum flavor.  However, the best named is the Bad Bitch Rum, named after Spanish Marie, a legendary rum-runner during Prohibition.  I definitely got the t-shirt!  Interestingly, they said that their latest batch of it was being made during Hurricane Irma when the barometric pressure dropped so low, and the flavor is slightly different.

Rum tasting at Key West Distillery

And finally, no trip to the keys would be complete without comparing several Key Lime pies, including my first foray into deep-fried Key Lime pie.  It was tasty, but I prefer the original.

deep-fried Key Lime pie

All in all, it was a fun trip (minus the migraine) and a great visit with my friend (minus the other four migraines).  Obligatory FML.  It was a bit sad to still see Hurricane Irma damage after all this time, but I was happy to do my part by spending tourist money there.  I will end this lengthy post with gratitude that Kitten and I survived Irma fairly well

Monday, March 19, 2018

paranoid or safe?


I've been feeling pretty crappy lately.  Pain and stress are both exhausting and depressing.  Mostly, I've been moving from bed to the couch and back again.

Yesterday, I forced myself to go for a walk just to get out of the house.  I hadn't planned on seeing anyone in the next few days, so I had done another skin cancer treatment on my face.  My skin was all red and angry.  I threw on some shoes and went outside before I changed my mind.  I didn't care about my messy hair or mismatched clothes.

Most times, I never see anyone on my walks, just birds, iguanas, and Pokemon.  Yesterday, a man approached me to say hello.  He was very friendly but a bit hesitant.  He finally introduced himself to me and asked me out.  I thanked him for his compliments and politely declined his advances.  I also lied and said I wasn't from this area.  And, I've learned over the years that it's easier for all involved to say I'm married.  He seemed disappointed but left me alone after that.  Or did he?

Because it's not always that simple (ask any woman anywhere), I changed my route on the way home and checked behind me multiple times.   He could have been exactly what he seemed at face value or he could have been Keyser Söze.  I hate that I need to take so many precautions, but who asks someone out who looks like shit though?


Wednesday, March 14, 2018

the personal touch


It's never good news when a doctor calls you personally.  Sigh.

I did not get the all-clear from the pathologist.  My new doc was great though.  She explained my options (including doing nothing and letting it grow bigger, which she didn't advise doing).  She didn't use fear tactics when she explained the pros and cons of each.  It's so refreshing to be spoken to like an adult.

I have another surgery scheduled with a specialist and a plastic surgeon to minimize the damage.  Damn.  I'm crying again just typing this, and I've had a few days already to process this.

I keep reminding myself that it's not on my face, so yay!  There's always a way for something to be worse.  Gratitude is in finding that, right?


Monday, March 5, 2018

I was brave today


About two weeks ago, I picked a new dermatologist out of Google search and made an appointment for today.  I almost cancelled several times, but I finally sucked up my courage and went.

I started crying before I even met her.  By the time she came in to meet me, I was a mess.  I explained my long, sordid skin cancer history.  She wasn't judgmental at all about the fact that I stopped getting checked for many years.  I was leery of that lecture.

I pointed out the spots I was worried about, of which there were many.  She then went over my whole body with a modified jewelers loupe and even checked my scalp.  She leaned toward non-aggressive treatment and recommended only excising one spot today.  She even cauterized it instead of stitches.  "I love the smell of napalm in the morning."


I have cream to use on four other spots, and a hole in my back.  Yay?  Cross your fingers that the pathologist gives the all-clear in a couple weeks.



Monday, February 26, 2018

USPS makes me want to punch a pillow


I don't often ship stuff, but when I do, it used to be convenient to login to usps.com and print my own label.  Until they broke their website.  I assumed it was a systemic problem when I tried it in October, and all forms of payment were declined.  When I clicked on contact us, they emailed a generic reply that my credit card was bad.  Go fuck yourselves. 

I went in person and was told they had been doing system maintenance.  I tried again recently because who likes going to the post office even if I have plenty of time?  Same error message.  And it's a new credit card (because mine was scammed at Disney World maybe), which I know works. 

I started searching online (why yes, I do use DuckDuckGo.  Are DDG users as annoying as vegans?  Asking for a friend) and found this has been an ongoing complaint for many years.  What the fucking fuck!  Hundreds of people have had this problem, at a minimum.  I'm assuming there are even more than that like me, who didn't post in those forums. 

The solution it seems is to have tech support unlock one's account.  I emailed and they reset my password, but it still declined my payment.   Go fuck yourself.   I called, and the woman said "oh I can't do that, that's tech support."  WTF.  That's who I called from your website.  She transferred me.  I explain again, and she says it's a technical error.  She'll transfer the issue to tech support.  Sigh.  She sounded positive, so I'm trying to be, too.  

While I was on hold, my cat opened her sleepy eyes in a disgusted manner, and left my presence.  She was not a fan of their hold music.  

Thursday, February 22, 2018

making friends is hard


I tried my third Meetup.

To recap, the first one was an older person walking group who were all in way better shape than me.  I almost died.  Okay, not really, but it felt like it.  I keep meaning to try again...

The second one was a book group.  I hated the book, barely got a word in edgewise, and will definitely try again.  The next book is much better and one I never would have picked up on my own.  The leader of the group gets book recommendations from YouTube.  I didn't even know that's a thing.

On to my third one, which was women-only, just to socialize and make friends.  Yay.  It was a younger group, but they allowed me in fortunately.  They immediately started talking about laser hair removal.  They'd all done it multiple times.  I listened a lot and asked questions.  We also talked about family, men, shopping, dreams, careers, food, hobbies, and whatever else struck our fancy.

I was medicated with a migraine during two of them, so I obviously didn't partake in drinking alcohol.  I know that puts off people, but I feel it's more off-putting to explain why.  Sometimes for funsies, I tell people I'm Mormon or a recovering addict, just to change things up.  When I was asked what I do work-wise, I said I was in-between jobs, exploring my options.  That felt easier than saying unable to work due to disability.  Fuck, I hate that word.

Meetups still feel a bit artificial to me, but I'm hoping they'll feel natural soon enough.  If I keep trying them.


Wednesday, February 14, 2018

why are faxes still so popular?


I've had 2 requests for me to fax forms in the past two days.  It's 2018.  Most people don't have fax machines or even landlines anymore.  We have so much more technology than we did 30 years ago.  Why aren't we using it?

I've been trying to get reimbursed for prescriptions I got in December for my eye surgery.  Eye-drops are expensive for the teeny tiny bottles.  I was told it's a simple process of getting reimbursed.  Once the COBRA coverage is live, just fill out this form and mail in original receipts.  Done.

And then they send a letter back saying blah blah blah something is incomplete.  Please call.

First call: "oh, not sure what happened, we'll look into that and call you back in 5 -10 business days."

Second call: "Hmm, no idea where that request went, we'll totally escalate now and contact you in 5-10 days."

Third call: "ha-ha, you'll never believe what happened, we forgot to hit submit on that escalation blah blah blah 5-10 days."

Fourth call: "I see all the notes of the many previous calls, please hold."          

35 min later: "we lost everything, please resubmit by fax."