Sunday, February 26, 2017

may the bridges I burn light the way

I sort of made tentative plans to go out with a casual friend last night.  I wanted to hang out with her, but I wasn't that excited about the chosen activity.  Mostly because it was so far to drive, and it would end up being a late night. 

I've turned into quite a morning person the past few years.  I'm up bright and early around 5 or 6am, which means I'm tired by 9 or 10pm.  That said, I can stay up later, but I need a really great reason.  And I don't want to drive a long way home when I'm sleepy.

I felt like an asshole texting her back and saying no.  That said, I was so relieved to be asleep by 9:30pm.

Why is it so hard to make friends at this stage in my life?  I have more confidence than ever, so it should be much simpler for me to say "hey, you seem fun, let's hang out." 

And yet I don't. 

Monday, February 20, 2017


Or learning to love my scars.

For those of you unfamiliar, it's a Japanese term which doesn't have a comparable English one.  It means finding beauty in imperfection.  It's usually used for nature and objects, but I'm appropriating it for my body. 

I need to change my perception about my flaws, especially as I get older and acquire more of them.  A flaw makes something more interesting.  It gives us respect for impermanence and fragility.  A core Buddhist belief is that wisdom comes from making peace with the constant cycles and transitions of Nature.  If we're skilled enough, we can spot the eternal in a fleeting moment.

I'm not that wise yet, but I'm taking a few more steps along that journey. 

I am magnificent because of my imperfections.

Friday, February 17, 2017

shower thoughts

I was having serious shower thoughts while washing my hair (which can take some time).  Apparently, the shower is a common place to access our genius lounge and is great for Eureka moments.

Anyway, I was thinking more about that predictive API.  Perhaps my writing style varies so much because it's written by an infinite number of Wendys from parallel universes??

Happy Friday!

Thursday, February 16, 2017

how old are you?

Or should I say how old do you appear online?  I used a predictive API that says it "accurately predicts psychological traits from digital footprints of human behaviour."  Essentially it guesses your age and gender from your writing. You can either use a Facebook page or snippets of text.

Having lots of my writing at my fingertips, I tested various posts of mine.  Most concluded male gender.  (I'm assuming because of my colorful language.)  The more emotional posts were labeled female.  My age range went from 20s to 40s.  Does that make me immature or charming?  :)

I kind of like knowing that I am unpredictable.

Unless of course it's at my favorite restaurants, where everyone knows exactly what I will order.  :)

Monday, February 13, 2017

I made a mess of things

Search: How to remove contact cement from fingers

That would have been a good idea to type in BEFORE I had sticky cement all over my hands.  I didn't want to glue my mouse, keyboard, phone, etc.  So, I searched through my utility closet and found Goof Off.  Note to Self: Don't spray that indoors.  Also, buy more because a 10 year old can doesn't work that well.

I cleaned off most of it.  Enough to use the vast power of the internet, which told me to use acetone.  Perhaps it's just me, but maybe there should be a note on the cement bottle telling dumb-asses like me to think ahead because drips happen and then somehow it's all over both hands.  :)

Nah, who needs warning labels?  That's what makes life adventurous and fun. 

Plus, now I can play with peeling off the remaining contact cement throughout the day when I get bored.

Friday, February 10, 2017

new cables

I know everyone gets so adamant about next-day delivery, but there's something to be said for old-fashioned, week-long delivery.  I forgot what I ordered and had fun opening boxes, like it was Christmas!  Plus it provides my mailman with exercise when he has to get out of his truck to carry the package to my door.  You're welcome! 

I bought more of my favorite hair-styling gel, Kinky-Curly Curling Custard Gel.  Because of course I did.

And a couple of household items.  And then I needed to add something inexpensive to get free shipping because I'm a dumbass and fall for that every time.  I ordered three cables in pretty colors, which are extra long so I can relax wherever, while I'm charging.  I already opened the pink one before taking the photo.  It's working swimmingly.

Thursday, February 9, 2017

addendum to my science experiment

A concerned reader (who am I kidding?  We all know it was Einstein) sent me an article explaining ethylene's effects more fully.  It lists avocados as producing ethylene but not sensitive to it, which is perhaps why my experiment failed.

And no I haven't gone back to my food friends to let them know of their mistake.  I would want to know if it were me, but it feels rude to correct people who are generally way more knowledgeable than I in this area.  Perhaps their avocados are susceptible to the Placebo Effect.  :)

Wednesday, February 8, 2017

I will not fall today

I can feel the dark edges creeping in.  I am feeling overwhelmed by life's entropy.  I know I will get sucked back into the mire of my negative thoughts.  I feel the inevitability of darkness and depression. 

But today I will be strong, and I will fight it.  I will do extra self-care.  I've made plans to exercise and have lunch with a friend.  I will pamper myself the rest of the day.  And tell myself pretty lies.  I will make course corrections every time I feel my wheels drifting into the void.

I will fall again.

But not today.

Monday, February 6, 2017

science experiment

I bought some avocados at the store which were rock hard.  I asked some food people, including but not limited to Einstein, how to ripen them faster.  He said leave them on the counter.  They said put them in a paper bag on the counter with either a banana or an apple inside because the ethylene gas from the fruit would ripen the avocados faster.  I made a joke about how they were trying to poison me with lethal gasses and they didn't understand my humor and replied seriously that it isn't lethal.  Sigh.

I dutifully put two avocados in a brown paper bag with an apple.  And because I'm me, I left two outside of the bag, also on the counter, as a control group.  Every day I checked them to see which softened first.  Wouldn't you know the two outside did?  Oh well, I was pleased not to have to eat all four at once.

Saturday, February 4, 2017


I learned yesterday of a woman in my online migraine community who suicided because she was all done hoping.  There's only so much hope that can override days, weeks, years of relentless pain.  Finally, reality sets in, and we realize that hope is false.  It doesn't apply to us.  

I don't know whether to be sad for a wasted life of someone who could have done great things if only the pain weren't there, or to be content that her pain is gone now. 

It's so easy to fall into the 'if only' trap.  And so hard to adjust one's life-goals to reality.  No, I didn't get my PhD and have a brilliant career in whatever.  I quit graduate school and took a path of less stress, less challenge, and less recognition.  But, the Migraine Monster's interminable pain and loss of hope haven't driven me to suicide yet, so perhaps it was the better path. 

I mentioned this to a casual acquaintance and he told me he was dealing with an employee going through similar circumstances.  People may logically realize that migraines hurt and are difficult, but it's almost impossible to quantify the emotional toll over years and decades  -- dreams and relationships which have withered away.  

Please don't judge.  In these two (and so many more) instances, suicide was not a 'permanent solution to a temporary problem' (I hate that fucking judgmental expression).  It was a permanent solution to a permanent problem.  Don't belittle our lifelong pain and emotional suffering because of your guilt or inconvenient grief.

This is your friendly reminder that so many people are hurting, even if they don't show it.  Please be kind to each other.

Friday, February 3, 2017

groove is in the heart

I'm happier lately.  Little things make me smile again.  It's so much easier being upbeat when my pain levels are down and my energy levels are up.  I'm still not at 100%, but I'm optimistic again, which feels so good.

This isn't to say that all of my problems are gone.  I continue to have plenty.  Rather, it feels like I'm me again.  I'm sure I'll stumble and have setbacks, but I'm enjoying my positivity while I have it.

Get up and happy dance with me.  :)