USPS makes me want to punch a pillow

I don't often ship stuff, but when I do, it used to be convenient to login to usps.com and print my own label.  Until they broke their website.  I assumed it was a systemic problem when I tried it in October, and all forms of payment were declined.  When I clicked on contact us, they emailed a generic reply that my credit card was bad.  Go fuck yourselves. 

I went in person and was told they had been doing system maintenance.  I tried again recently because who likes going to the post office even if I have plenty of time?  Same error message.  And it's a new credit card (because mine was scammed at Disney World maybe), which I know works. 

I started searching online (why yes, I do use DuckDuckGo.  Are DDG users as annoying as vegans?  Asking for a friend) and found this has been an ongoing complaint for many years.  What the fucking fuck!  Hundreds of people have had this problem, at a minimum.  I'm assuming there are even more than that like me, who didn't post in those forums. 

The solution it seems is to have tech support unlock one's account.  I emailed and they reset my password, but it still declined my payment.   Go fuck yourself.   I called, and the woman said "oh I can't do that, that's tech support."  WTF.  That's who I called from your website.  She transferred me.  I explain again, and she says it's a technical error.  She'll transfer the issue to tech support.  Sigh.  She sounded positive, so I'm trying to be, too.  

While I was on hold, my cat opened her sleepy eyes in a disgusted manner, and left my presence.  She was not a fan of their hold music.  

making friends is hard

I tried my third Meetup.

To recap, the first one was an older person walking group who were all in way better shape than me.  I almost died.  Okay, not really, but it felt like it.  I keep meaning to try again...

The second one was a book group.  I hated the book, barely got a word in edgewise, and will definitely try again.  The next book is much better and one I never would have picked up on my own.  The leader of the group gets book recommendations from YouTube.  I didn't even know that's a thing.

On to my third one, which was women-only, just to socialize and make friends.  Yay.  It was a younger group, but they allowed me in fortunately.  They immediately started talking about laser hair removal.  They'd all done it multiple times.  I listened a lot and asked questions.  We also talked about family, men, shopping, dreams, careers, food, hobbies, and whatever else struck our fancy.

I was medicated with a migraine during two of them, so I obviously didn't partake in drinking alcohol.  I know that puts off people, but I feel it's more off-putting to explain why.  Sometimes for funsies, I tell people I'm Mormon or a recovering addict, just to change things up.  When I was asked what I do work-wise, I said I was in-between jobs, exploring my options.  That felt easier than saying unable to work due to disability.  Fuck, I hate that word.

Meetups still feel a bit artificial to me, but I'm hoping they'll feel natural soon enough.  If I keep trying them.

why are faxes still so popular?

I've had 2 requests for me to fax forms in the past two days.  It's 2018.  Most people don't have fax machines or even landlines anymore.  We have so much more technology than we did 30 years ago.  Why aren't we using it?

I've been trying to get reimbursed for prescriptions I got in December for my eye surgery.  Eye-drops are expensive for the teeny tiny bottles.  I was told it's a simple process of getting reimbursed.  Once the COBRA coverage is live, just fill out this form and mail in original receipts.  Done.

And then they send a letter back saying blah blah blah something is incomplete.  Please call.

First call: "oh, not sure what happened, we'll look into that and call you back in 5 -10 business days."

Second call: "Hmm, no idea where that request went, we'll totally escalate now and contact you in 5-10 days."

Third call: "ha-ha, you'll never believe what happened, we forgot to hit submit on that escalation blah blah blah 5-10 days."

Fourth call: "I see all the notes of the many previous calls, please hold."          

35 min later: "we lost everything, please resubmit by fax."

linky dinks

I keep getting requests from marketers to link to their websites from my blog.  They're all seemingly legitimate sites, which I wouldn't mind sharing with people.  But I hate going back and changing what I wrote previously.  Also, I looked back at some of the posts they wanted me to link from, and I was a much better writer then.  Just saying.

I think my goal this month is to be interesting again.  I've already failed with this one, but I can do better.  I know I can.

life came at me hard and I flinched

I made a hard choice, but I think it's what's best for my physical health.  It feels like I've admitted defeat.  The jury is still out what's good for my mental health, but probably this is the better way for that, too.

Deep breath.

I lost my job.

There, I said it.

And with the way my health is, I don't feel confident that I can work again.  This migraine clinical trial has been a boon to me, but it's only reduced the migraine attacks from 14 to 8 a month.  That's still a LOT of absenteeism from work.  I looked for comparable job positions, and nothing comes close to how much accommodation I need.

I took this as a sign that I need to put my health first when making life decisions.  Therefore, I applied for disability.  This is harder than it should be somehow and has resulted in 3 migraines so far.  Sigh.  And I'm still at the beginning of the process.

I started crying during my interview.  It was embarrassing.   But I think she understood my pain and frustration.  Fortunately, it was on the phone, so I could continue to silently cry longer than is socially acceptable.

I haven't yet told my friends and family.  Surprise, if you're reading this.  It's not an easy or fun conversation, so I've been avoiding it.  Because I'm tired of being a grown-up lately.

If anyone has any realistic life advice or extra compassion to throw my way, I'd appreciate it.

strength is in my weakness

My strength is in my weakness, or is weakness in my strength?  This almost made sense when I first thought it.  I write down random thoughts as they occur to me, even when I'm half asleep or distracted.  I left it in because it sounds profound.  And maybe it'll mean something later.  :)

I'm having issues with life.

What do I want to be when I grow up?  What if I die of old age before I grow up?  What if I'm too tired to die?

As someone once said, "To die is no great thing.  It is living that requires courage."  I apologize for forgetting the source.  I am constantly reading and learning and absorbing nuggets of wisdom to try to make sense of this nonsensical whirlwind we call life.

I'm hitting some milestones in my life, which feel like the beginning of death.  I'm not scared of death, but it feels like failure.  I'd rather go out on a high note.

Logically, I know I'm making mostly smart choices (for me), but emotionally, I want to scream and cry and hide under the covers.  I've discussed most of my choices with one or two trusted souls (no, my cat doesn't count).  Perhaps I'm self-selecting the people who will agree with my choices.  I'm okay with that, because I've chosen to keep close the people whom I value and respect and let go of others.  It makes for a lonely time when I want to grab a bite to eat, however I keep my imaginary virtual friends in my purse to keep me company.