Thursday, August 25, 2016

hope is a demon

And yet I cling to it, because life is bleak without hope.  I wonder what survival skill was helped by hope.

My Summer has been riddled with migraines and pain and exhaustion.  Only a sliver of hope glistens here and there in rare moments of lucidity.

My friends and family try to check on me, but they all seem to be going through their own personal dramas and traumas.  And when we do finally connect, I know people are being nice, but they start making suggestions and it makes me focus on my problems again.  I work so hard to live in denial. Distract me please.  Don't talk my problems to death. 

Wednesday, August 17, 2016

met one of my postal workers

I had to ship a package which didn't fit in my mailbox, so I waited outside when I saw the mailtruck at my neighbor's.  He was already in a cranky mood at 10am.  And I was on my best behavior because NEVER PISS OFF YOUR POSTAL WORKER.  He scanned my package in front of me, and explained in an accusatory manner that they're being cracked down on to do that.  I see why with them throwing entire bins of mail away.  I was pleased to see him scan it, although I have no fkn idea if it took.  Especially because it's not showing in the tracking system yet.  Sigh.

I wanted to ask him if he's the one who mows my garbage cans down, but I wasn't brave/stupid enough.  Besides, what if he said yes??

Tuesday, August 16, 2016

past my expiry date

When I was younger, I had a troubled youth and therefore assumed I'd be lucky to live until 30.  Especially because so many of my contemporaries were dying before age 20.  I'm well past both of those ages now, and I believe I have surpassed my freshness date.  Things are breaking left and right.  I feel like I'm held together by duct tape and willpower.  Actually, I wish something as strong as duct tape was holding me together.

The migraines are as bad as they've ever been, before getting on CGRP, my clinical trial meds.  In the last four weeks, I've had 13 migraines, with an average duration of over nine hours.   Add in pre- and post-drome times, and that's my fucking life.  In writing this post I looked at where I was last year, and apparently it wasn't great then either.  So maybe I just don't do well this time of year.  Whatever I have to tell myself to stay in denial.

On a cheerier note, my Vanda orchid is starting to bloom in direct line of sight from my office window.

Thursday, August 11, 2016

pit of despair

I can feel myself sinking in.  I blame my health this time, not just my fucked up brain chemistry.  I feel hopeless about the migraine situation.  My eye started hurting again for no reason whatsoever.  No contact lenses were involved.  No mascara or eyeliner.  No beach sand.  Mostly I haven't left my house because I've been exhausted from the week-long migraine jamboree.

Emma Peel sent me a present from her trip to Scotland, so I have that to look forward to.  Right now, it's the little things keeping me going.

Wednesday, August 10, 2016

no really, this is the best year

To see the Perseids.  I know I said that last year, but apparently I fell for the hype.  This year is better because Jupiter is HUGE.  And gravity.  And blah blah blah.

I want to go outside and see them, but I still shudder in revulsion when I think about that giant possum who came up to me last year.  Also, miraculously, I'm sleeping better than I was a year ago.  Yippee for me.  I don't always wake up in the middle of the night anymore.

So remember tomorrow night, if you're awake after 1am (when the moon sets), go outside and look for some meteors.

Tuesday, August 9, 2016

happy & sad

When my head isn't throbbing and causing untold misery, I try to be happy and enjoy life.  I'm not always successful.  My feelings are quite contradictory.  For no apparent reason. 

Maybe I was born with a sad soul, and a happy personality did a walk-in at some point.  But there was some screw-up, and the sad soul never left like it was supposed to.  Or maybe in a parallel universe, it all worked out fine.  That's what I tell myself on particularly horrid days.  That somewhere in an alternate universe, I'm one happy motherfucker.  :)

Saturday, August 6, 2016

new phone wallpaper

I've been reminding myself when I look at my phone that some days require only survival and nothing more.  It's been a week like that.  Maybe a month.  Perhaps a year, but let's not get carried away.

I've had a migraine every single day this week.  Every.  Single.  Day.  It's making me depressed as fuck because I'm starting to feel like this new dose of CGRP isn't working.  Gee, Wendy, what gave you that idea?  Apparently, everyone else is loving the doubled dose.  So of course I've been victim-blaming.  Maybe it's my near-perfect diet.  Maybe it's my pretty damn good sleeping habits.  There must be an iota of room for improvement.  Perhaps I'm just not wishing hard enough.

I had a meltdown a few days ago and told one of my neighbors that she's a horrible person.  In front of witnesses.  To be fair, she is a horrible person (people concurred privately to me), but it's certainly not my place to tell her.  And it doesn't say much about my people skills that I would say that.  Out loud.


C'mon, Wendy, you can survive one more day.  Today will not be the day that breaks you.

Wednesday, August 3, 2016

I guess I'm alive

As someone said to me, “Loneliness, longing, does not mean one has failed, but simply that one is alive.”

I feel like a failure lately.  My mood is tanking again.  My migraines have increased in severity, frequency, and duration again.  I'm going to go out on a limb and predict that is why my depression is hovering nearby.  It's hard to be happy or upbeat when pain is my constant foe.

The utter worthlessness of waking up each day is starting to feel illogical.  Fortunately (?) I'm smart enough to know most people make emotional decisions and not logical ones.  I'm grasping for something that my logical mind can cling to.  I've decided that the unusually, brutally hot summer is what is temporarily causing the migraines to beat the literal snot out of me.  That should at least get me through to September, right?