dread actualized

Big sigh.

My visit to the dermatologist wasn't as bad once I was there.  I only had a little 'day of' anxiety.  And my doc was as easy to work with as I remembered.  However, I had a couple suspicious spots, one of which got biopsied.  

The call came two days later saying I needed additional surgery because CANCER.  And surgery couldn't be scheduled for several weeks.

The biopsy wound will just about be healed by the time the specialist needs to re-open it.  Blah blah blah, there will be a plastic surgeon and whatevs, go fuck myself, it's only another small scar, right? 

It's probably not even necessary because I'm almost certain the biopsy took out all the cancerous tissue.  But almost certain isn't completely certain, so I got the fear talk from my doc, and I caved.  Another scar is worth eradicating future anxiety and worry, right?

Sure, whatevs, it's only another scar to decorate this warrior's body.

so much dread

I called and scheduled my dermatologist appointment before I could chicken out like I did yesterday.  Somehow it requires so much mental energy, that by yesterday afternoon, I just couldn't.  I have tears in my eyes.  Fuck, why am I so traumatized by it??  It's potentially only a couple more scars, right?

I need to redo my post-it note that says I love myself, scars and all.

blue gold

My new refrigerator (which I bought in August because my old one suddenly died) decided that it was time to change the water filter.  I dutifully ordered the replacement filter and was about to install it when I looked up to see if I could stretch it a couple more months.  I use it every day, but the water seems fine.

When I looked online for some guidance, I came across this website.  I'm guessing that applies to mine as well.  It's hard to believe that my filter didn't even last five months before prompting me to order one.  I don't drink THAT much water.

At least I have a replacement handy in case my water suddenly goes bad or stops dispensing.  Look at me being proactive!

21 for 21

 

Every year, I make a fun list of items I want to accomplish, not necessarily traditional New Year's resolutions.  And when I say fun list, the list is fun, but not everything on it is fun.    Last year's list had to be modified somewhat due to the global pandemic.  I never went to the dermatologist or bought my sundress.  I never went to my friend's wedding in Scotland either.

But I did visit my brother on his ranch BECAUSE of the pandemic, so that was a tradeoff.  I also finally fixed all of my dental nonsense I had going on.  And I bought a new Christmas dress, albeit still not a sundress.

The dermatologist and sundress have carried over to this year.  Most dressing rooms are open again, and sundresses are too hard for me to buy without trying on first.  I have no valid reason about the dermatologist except that I ran out of medical-needs emotional energy halfway through the year.

I'm still looking for more ideas for this year, especially fun ones, so chime in if you have suggestions.