Wednesday, August 30, 2017

existential crisis


I am stuck wondering what's the point.  I have answered this question many times for other people.  But I can't seem to for myself. 

Why am I forcing myself to deal with health problems?  Why am I bothering with personal responsibilities?  Where is the joy?  The meaning?  The satisfaction?

Every time I feel like I've turned a corner, I end up circling back to my same fucked up place.  Or a similar one about ten feet over.

It's probably the migraine talking.  But if the migraines are that loud of a distraction, then what's the point?  

Also, I wrote some really great stuff in my head last night, but the bright screen of my phone (even turned all the way down with blue blockers on it) was not conducive to my emotional state.  So blah blah blah, fuck my life.

Sunday, August 27, 2017

gratitude?


I feel like an ungrateful asshole to complain about 5 days of migraine when I'm only being inflicted with a low pressure system and not a catastrophic category 4 hurricane.  At least I have a comfortable bed to cry in. And electricity to keep my ice pack cold.  And functional plumbing for all of my hurling needs.  Besides the fact that my home and belongings are intact.

I have a little mental clarity this morning after 4 doses of meds yesterday and a few hours of sleep.
 
But it's still there in the back.

Growling to be released.   Snapping at it's chain.  Spittle flying everywhere.  

I can close the door right now, and walk up a level.  I can barely hear it. Meds have temporarily tamped down the fear.

But that fucking monster is always lurking, waiting to strike.

Monday, August 21, 2017

where's the eclipse?


It wasn't as magical as I'd hoped.  I went to the local college to view the eclipse, which had been advertised as open to the public with telescopes, etc.

It was a clusterfuck -- crowded and insufficient planning.  They ran out of free cardboard glasses before it started.  They closed off the telescopes to all but about 20 people, out of the hundreds there.

I was able to borrow various people's glasses and view the sun's progress.  People were very friendly.  The clouds came out and rained on us for a few minutes, which should have cooled it off a little, but going from 90F (feels like 100F) down to 87F (feels like 96F) wasn't as cooling as one might hope.

On the plus side, I was super excited that so many people were interested in science.  All ages were there, from the very young to the elderly.

If I hadn't looked through the glasses and seen the sun being blocked out, I don't think I would have known anything different was happening.  It felt just as bright as usual.

Friday, August 18, 2017

crying is contagious


I had been trying to get in touch with a neighbor's contractor for damages done to my property by his crew.  I was getting nowhere and finally called the city inspector.  He didn't want to be put in the middle understandably but promised to have the contractor call me.

He knocked on my door, and I went outside, prepared to hear excuses.  He started with that, but then I threw a curve-ball and started crying.  I didn't mean to (I hate crying in front of people), but it's been a rough week/month/year/life.  He completely changed his tone and became more authentic.  And then he pitched that curve right back to me.  He started tearing up, too.  Life has been hard for many of us.

So there we were, standing on my front porch, sweating like animals, talking to each like compassionate people, and casually pushing away tears.

We are still negotiating a fair compromise, but I'm hopeful.