Sunday, June 29, 2003

Sunday, June 29, 2003

Galahad brought home another weird, cute movie called Men with Brooms.  It was definitely amusing.  :)

I started to get sad again at night for no new reason.  So, I did the only logical thing I could think of.  I watched a girly movie (Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood) that made me cry more.  =p  It was different than I thought it would be and very good, if you like that genre.

Saturday, June 28, 2003

Saturday, June 28, 2003

We went to a BBQ at Galahad's 2nd martial arts school.  I got to meet some of the people he works out with and see where they exercise.  The class he takes there is more of a hardcore conditioning class as opposed to his regular Kenpo classes.  One of the women has the most amazing legs.  That was almost motivation enough for me to start working out hardcore again.  Almost.  Until I remembered that genetics plays a large part, and mine will never be that muscular.  I'm happy with my long, thin legs.  =P

Friday, June 27, 2003

Friday, June 27, 2003

I wonder if life is like a party and one needs to leave before it gets old & stale.

I remember in one of my philosophy classes that there was a line of thinking that one should end life (via suicide if necessary) at the apex of life so as never to be disappointed.  That always stuck in my mind for some reason.  I don't even remember any of the other so-called great philosophers' thinking.

By the way, don't worry, I'm not suicidal just contemplative.  =)

Wednesday, June 25, 2003

Wednesday, June 25, 2003

Meetings and presenting all day after 5 hours of sleep.  I got into another argument with someone over him thinking his needs took priority over my time.  Sigh, I didn't handle myself well.  I lost my cool in front of others.  :(  I hate when I do that.  We both apologized later and worked things out, but it still looks bad.  Lol, and here I am being judgmental that they act unprofessionally after-hours and I didn't do so well during hours.  This was the second person in a week who felt like I should drop everything to accommodate him. 

Yay, the event is finally over and I'm off to the airport!

The downside is that I am flying back with 2 work colleagues, so I still can't be completely relaxed.  Dinner at the airport was edible.  ;)  Laugh, I was so tired, I fell asleep on the 45 minute flight home.

Tuesday, June 24, 2003

Tuesday, June 24, 2003

Time to pack and fly out again.

Dinner with a bunch of people I work with.  And, they got intoxicated and off-color.  Good god, that part sucked.   We started at Barley Hoppers for drinks.  Sigh, I was hungry and just wanted to eat.  And it was biker night there.  Harleys are just silly.  Such a waste of money and too fucking loud for no good fucking reason except to be fucking annoying.  Hehe, I bet you're wondering how I really feel.  ;)

I insisted that we keep our 7:30 reservations for dinner even though 2 people were late.  We walked across the plaza to Big City Tavern.  It was an upscale place which just added to my humiliation that I was sitting in the company of drunken troglodytes.  The food was good, but I was sure the wait staff was spitting in it by the end.  I am constantly shocked and amazed that adults cannot conduct themselves professionally for one night when they are away at a business function.  Dinner took so long.  A few of us went back to the hotel afterwards at 10:30.  The drunk ones stayed out.  One of them was boasting how he got busted by his wife last time for going to a strip club and then blaming it on his boss (who was sitting right there).  What a scumbag!  He asked if I had lost respect for him after that.  I told him I didn't have any to begin with.

Sunday, June 22, 2003

Sunday, June 22, 2003

Galahad & I went out to see the IMAX movie, Pulse.  It was nicely uplifting but a little bit too short at 45 minutes.  We goofed around in the science museum afterwards until they closed and kicked us out.  I love all the hands-on exhibits.  :)

Then, we ran through the raindrops to Creolina's, a yummy Louisiana restaurant.  Omg, the crayfish bisque was scrumptious.  And then the waitress recommended sprinkling a shot of sherry across the top.  That just made it exquisite.  =)

Saturday, June 21, 2003

Saturday, June 21, 2003

Today was my parents' wedding anniversary.  My mother has been dead for 3 years, and my father has been remarried for almost the same amount of time.  In fact his current anniversary is a few days away.  I wonder if he still remembers this day.

I was feeling restless today even after trying to meditate out by the pool with the lizards and birds.  A friend of mine called me to go have dinner since she was home alone.  She's going through her own life crises, and it's been a while since I've seen her.

Galahad gladly stayed at home engrossed in his book while I sallied forth for a girls' night out.  My friend is older than I am so it was fairly tame as those type of nights go.  We had dinner on the beach and then took a stroll around Boca's trendiest plaza, Mizner Park.  I forgot what it was like to hang out with a woman who likes to shop.  She had me going into every little boutique.  It's so hard for me to ever tell her no.  :)  I couldn't believe the vast amounts of high-priced useless shit that is sold.  Wtf do people do with it all?  What compels people to spend money (some of it maybe even hard-earned although in Boca maybe not) on trinkets?

I was pleased when we finally completed the circuit, dodging the foul-smelling, arrogant cigar smokers who think they are oh-so-cool, and arrived at Starbucks for a relaxing cup of tea and some soulful conversation.  When did young people stop going to nightclubs and start going to a coffee shop on a Saturday night?  Ahhh well it was nice to enjoy some eye candy while talking.  And, it was a boost to my esteem to catch some young, seksi slicksters checking me out.  ;) 

A woman she knew casually bumped into us there and said hello.  Within two minutes of meeting me, she was so inspired that her eyes welled up.  Here I am feeling sorry for myself so much lately, and I'm more comfortable in my own skin than others are in theirs.  That was a pleasant jolt.  She apologized for crying, and I of course laughed since I am the absolute last person one needs to worry about crying in front of.  She thought it was beautiful that I had my shit together.  Yeah, I felt like a phony for a second, but then I realized that I have come a long way even though it feels as if I have so much further to go.

Friday, June 20, 2003

Friday, June 20, 2003

My lizard came back!!!!  =)  Okay, actually he may not be the same one from last summer cuz he looks a little smaller, but he's hanging all over my office window like before.  To refresh your memory, he's a Cuban Knight Anole

Thursday, June 19, 2003

Thursday, June 19, 2003

/keeps reminding self that one doesn't throw away a Lamborghini because of a few scratches and dents

/wonders if perhaps she was truly a Lamborghini to start with

/decides the sleek, high maintenance, high performance analogy is applicable ;) 

/hopes Galahad has a similar philosophy

One more scar to add to my line-up.  How come men get more character with scars but women just get fugly?  I did meet a man once who was really into scars on women, but I think he was just a freak.  The good news is that my doctor didn't think it was anything cancerous although it is being sent to be biopsied.

Wednesday, June 18, 2003

Wednesday, June 18, 2003

Perhaps I had an epiphany yesterday.  I'm still saddened by the events in life lately, but I have lowered my expectations of acceptance.  I knew I needed an attitude adjustment --- I just wasn't sure how to go about giving myself one.  I'm feeling more comfortable in my melancholic state.  That's a fucking oxymoron if I ever heard one.  Maybe I'm letting the waters of denial lap up over my consciousness.  Either way, I'm feeling better.  =)

Thank you to all who have helped to ease the burden of my angst.  And to those of you who didn't help much, I can only hope you learn compassion & strength at some point in your life.  I am better today, but I am just beginning a painful journey with a numbing destination.  I will try my hardest to carry my own weight; however I fully expect to stumble here & there.

On an unrelated topic which also gives me angst, I have my dermatological appointment tomorrow.  Wish me healthy cancer-free skin or at least small scars! 

/smiling through my tears  :)

Tuesday, June 17, 2003

Tuesday, June 17, 2003

Back to the office again today.  So much driving lately for me.  I went out to lunch with the local sales force, and they made fun of the techie geeks we deal with.  Wtf?  Do they not see me sitting right there?  Maybe it was a back-ass-wards compliment that they don't see me as geeky.  Fucking sales people.  :(

I'm still struggling with the concepts of acceptance vs. denial.  I can only think this through a little bit at a time so I don't cry too much at once and fuck up my head with a migraine.  I don't understand the difference between saying there is nothing I can do to change something so I won't think about it AND saying I won't think about it cuz it hurts.  They both feel like denial to me.  I guess the distinction is in how much thought is given.  Perhaps I dwell overly much?  Hahaha, who me?  Maybe I have the wrong definition of acceptance.  Maybe I think acceptance should just feel better.  I envision acceptance as a mental satori.  There I go with my high expectations again.  I need to learn how to lower them.  I hate when I am disappointed because I expected better of someone or something.  Laugh, this may be the first time I've been disappointed by a concept.  =p

Monday, June 16, 2003

Monday, June 16, 2003

We did it!!  We refinanced today!!.  Yay!!!  :)  It wasn't nearly as painful as buying the house, but there sure were a lot of papers to sign.  My signature was all fucked up by the 38th time.

Then, off to the office and a customer meeting in Miami.  I hate going down to Miami.  It took almost an hour's time to get there without traffic.  Fortunately I didn't have to drive, but....

I did get in the car with someone who immediately told me how great a driver she was.  She said she hoped she didn't scare me with how fast she was.  Good god!  She sat in the right lane while the other lanes whooshed by us.  I kept thinking we must be exiting soon.  Nope.  Unless you think 7 miles is soon.  :(

I was appreciative that she asked before she started smoking and then when I said no, she didn't get too pissy.  She is definitely part of the 99% of drivers who think she is better than average.  =p

On the way home from the office, I called one of my friends to hear a friendly voice.  I hate that so many of my friends are far away.  It's hard enough to coordinate talking with time zone differences let alone actually visiting.  He had me laughing & giggling by the time I pulled up in my driveway and the signal died (Fucking SprintPCS!)  I even took him with me when I stopped at the Whole Foods store.  Another friend in Atlanta recommended Sibergin to me, which of course was nowhere to be found on the 4 aisles of supplements I perused.  I did find a multi-B supplement, which was also recommended.  And, I happened to find Stevia for Galahad's mom to try.  $30 & a tiny bag later, I left the store.  I imagine the health food freaks at the store were thinking I was some kind of freak, too.  There I was with my cellphone in my pocket, my earpiece on, giggling & laughing, and goofing with my mysterious phone friend.  =)  He's so awesome to talk to. 

I truly am blessed with so many wonderful people to talk to.  If I haven't told you lately how much you mean to me, this is a big all-encompassing thank you to anyone who makes me smile and to anyone who philosophizes the mysteries of the world with me and helps me to grow & learn.  =)

Sunday, June 15, 2003

Sunday, June 15, 2003

We took Galahad's father out to lunch for father's day at The Cove.  I am so grateful to have a father figure that I get along with and who cares about me.  Yes, I know my own dad probably cares about me, but he doesn't show it well.  [He's away for the summer, so I called him and wished him well.]  We went back to their house afterwards, and I talked Galahad into driving down A1A to get there.  It takes slightly longer (especially since the bridge was up), but it's such a gorgeous drive.  We hung out there for a while, and then moseyed over to my brother's house since he lives a few blocks away.

I hadn't seen him in a while, so it was much fun to hang out and chat.  I just adore his doggies although they are quite a handful.  The Tibetan Mastiff outweighs me, I think.  ;)

Saturday, June 14, 2003

Saturday, June 14, 2003

My lovely Galahad came home last night from his martial arts class and asked how I was and if I'd been crying.  Laugh, that of course broke the dam, and my tears started.  Poor guy.  ;)  He helped me to analyze things and think things through.  I'm trying a chemistry experiment with my CoQ10.  I am theorizing that if it helps with my migraines, then it must be affecting my serotonin levels, which in turn should help to normalize my moods.  Sound like a plan?  And, if it doesn't technically work, maybe I can ride the placebo rainbow.  Do placebos work if you are hoping they will?  Can I self-fulfill my prophecy?  Is my Psych degree going to help or hinder me here?

Cat's out of the bag.  I'm a geek with a Psych degree and an overactive mind.  =p  My guy wasn't quite sure what to make of my experiment, but I think he's just happy that I'm trying something.  I'm so stubborn that I refuse to let this take over my life.  Enough is fucking enough.  I'm tired of being like this.   My mother has been dead long enough for me to deal with it, so I cannot understand why it might still be bothering me.  I still don't think it's her death that is actually messing me up, but I suppose everyone in denial says that.  =p  Odd that I can retain my sense of humor while still being sad.  I laugh & cry simultaneously all the time.  I've only noticed a few other people who do that.  Does that have to do with multi-tasking?  Maybe cuz I'm so good at it, I can multi-task my emotions, too.  =D

/wave to my monkey friend  ;)

Friday, June 13, 2003

Friday, June 13, 2003

I once read that after experiencing the pain of my mother's death, every loss in life triggers an unconscious memory of that.  I thought it was hogwash, self-help mumbo-jumbo.  I think that came from one of the few self-help books I read, Motherless Daughters.  I may be starting to believe it now.  I think I didn't want to believe it before because I felt cursed with no way out.  Actually, I felt doubly cursed since that was my second mother to die.

It's been a few years now since she died.  I thought I was better, recovered, whatever.  I really don't even miss her that much anymore.  But I still can't shake that pain of watching her die so slowly. Which makes me believe that perhaps I'm not as healed as I thought I was.  I always tried to remember her as who she really was, with her flaws and her merits.  It made me wonder if I even would have been close to her had she lived.  [As you may have noticed, I'm not that close to my father and his new wife.]  So, in trying to be a realist, I thought I came to accept that she was no longer in my life.  I think I still am okay with that.  It's the dying process that fucked me all up.  Or maybe it was just her dying process that mind-fucked me --- watching this vibrant, intelligent woman slowly lose her mind.

On a side note, crying is a dehydrating motha-fucker!  I think I'm going through tissues & water at an equally alarming rate. 

Thursday, June 12, 2003

Thursday, June 12, 2003

Yay, we got our roof fixed today for the low, low price of $375.  I'm crossing my fingers that it holds.  We've been having torrential downpours, and it seems okay.  He actually fixed it last week and prettied it up today.

Okay ... enough small talk.

When life gets serious, how do you handle the trivial details?  I either focus on them too much to take my mind off of other matters, or I just want to ignore them and say it doesn't even matter.  Both options suck cuz I either blow little things out of proportion, or I let my responsibilities slide. 
I'm not ready to talk about the serious shit yet, but I also don't know how to tell people why I keep crying.  Most of my friends just accept that it's me, but I know it bothers them.  Anyway, if you happen to see me burst into tears for no apparent reason, just smile at me and let it go.  Thanks. 

Wednesday, June 11, 2003

Wednesday, June 11, 2003

I never sleep well in hotel rooms the first few nights.  I miss my Galahad and my comfy bed.  I don't mind traveling so much, but the nights suck.  :(

Can you believe that when I returned my rental car at Atlanta airport, I bumped into someone from my company?  And, of course he saw my bag with the name on it and started talking to me.  He's a VP of something or other, so I decided to schmooze a little.  I did manage to lose him in Security even though we were walking to adjoining gates.  Then, I went into the bathroom and changed to my yummy jeans & a t-shirt.  I had already removed my barrette to make it through Security, so I came out looking like a new person (I hope).  I wandered around and bought food & water and settled into a quiet spot to return phone calls and avoid further contact.

I sent flowers to my sister to cheer her up a little bit (she's going through a life crisis).  And, silly me, I forgot to sign the card.  When I checked my messages, I had a call from the florist saying she loved the flowers but wanted to know who they were from.  They wouldn't divulge but advised me to call if I wanted.  She said her office spent all day yesterday & today trying to figure out the mystery of who sent them.  I guess that gave her something to do and perhaps distracted her from life for a minute.

My flight was delayed due to bad weather in Seattle.  /wave to my Seattle friends  =)  And, apparently Atlanta had some bad weather of its own.  We were delayed further on the runway and then hit turbulence the whole way.  They apologized for withholding the beverage service but explained we were one of the last flights allowed to even go airborne.  Fortunately, I had my smoked salmon & dill sandwich and a new bottle of water.  I chilled out with my book, cried a little more (what is it with airplanes and me crying?), and grooved to some music. 

I sometimes hear music in my head and so I danced to that as we were de-planing.  I'm sure people thought I was crazy.  Perhaps they are right?  =p  I was just happy to be home again and looked forward to see my love.

Tuesday, June 10, 2003

Tuesday, June 10, 2003

I have some really fabulous friends.  =)  Yes, I suppose I knew that, but it's nice to be reminded of it.  Thank you to the ones who cheered me up yesterday & today.  Yes, I'm slow in the cheering process and I have relapses.  =p

I'm at the airport now waiting to catch my flight as I type this.  I'm realizing my laptop is incredibly dusty & dirty.  How embarrassing.  :(   I'm also realizing that I'm a freak as I sit here & giggle & cry & type.  Oh well, I'm keeping it real, man.  Laugh, why the fuck did that became some type of anthem?  How silly. 

I'm very happy I put my vanilla lotion on.  The smell reassures me that life is good in the Pandora's box of chaos that is my mind & my heart.

By the way, did you know it is now standard procedure to remove any and all shoes, either worn or carried, and submit them through x-ray separately?  Do you suppose that freak on the French plane knew he would cause such a brouhaha at every airport so much later? 

I somehow got incredibly lucky and found parking so close to the terminal.  Security had no line.  But then there was a "situation" when I got to the gate, after first spending my never-to-be-born child's inheritance on water.  Gah, they really get you on airport prices.  I'm already starting to panic thinking about food.  Of course I'm not hungry now, but there is no food on the flight.  I wonder how many power bars I brought.  I wonder how many power bars I can eat before I get nauseous.
Anyway, back to the "situation".

I went to sit down and readjust my shoes back into their comfort zone when a police officer asked me not to sit exactly where I was eyeing.  Apparently they had an unattended bag.  Holy shit, they take that seriously (well not as seriously as the Israelis but more seriously than they used to).  He cordoned off the area and brought in a dog to sniff the bag.  After they ascertained it wasn't explosives, they opened it, rifled through it, and proceeded to confiscate it.  It gave everyone nearby a vicarious thrill and a teensy scare of what-if.

I love to people-watch in airports.  Actually, I love to people-watch just about anywhere.  They fascinate me.  Plus, I can distract myself from my own problems, fears, and stressors by focusing on theirs.  Is that why reality shows are so popular?  And soap operas?  I hate those because they seem so contrived.  I like to observe in the natural habitat.  ;)

My lovely Galahad called me to wish me well and murmur sweet nothings in my ear (via my cell phone of course).  I missed his call as I was driving here because I had Crystal Method cranked up very LOUD.  I rarely get tired of listening to them.  Fortunately, I was able to call him right back.  He makes my heart smile.  =)

Monday, June 9, 2003

Monday, June 9, 2003

My Galahad is such a darling man.  Yesterday after I confessed what a fucking mess I am, he treated me like a princess -- a candlelit, hot vanilla-scented bubble bath built for two, then out to dinner (brie in a raspberry sauce with roasted pecans), and a fun movie to give my mind a much-needed rest.  We saw The Italian Job.  It has certainly lifted my spirits to be reassured that the love of my life is not fair weather, not that I ever doubted it.  =)

Anyway, I am hopeful that I will recover out of this funk soon.  Wish me strength & courage & genuine smiles.

Sunday, June 8, 2003

Sunday, June 8, 2003

I've been feeling down lately.  :(  Yesterday I had two people who I considered friends tell me that they couldn't hang out with me anymore because of my sensitivities.  [I was told to "chill the fuck out".]  Apparently, they are fair weather friends who only like me when I'm upbeat.  Yes, I know I'm better off without them if that's the case, but it hurts to find this out.  I hate when I'm naive and don't realize that.  Perhaps they gave it a go and couldn't take me.  I guess I'll give them the benefit of the doubt.  I'm not sure how I feel about the whole matter except sad.  One still wants to be friends, but I'm not sure how to do that.  I suppose I will try the civil acquaintance route.  The other appears not to be speaking to me.  Heh, not sure which way is less hurtful.  The fucked up part is that I miss who I thought they were, which may have been only a figment of my naive imagination.

It's not so easy to be me and to be susceptible to my sensitive nature.  You'd think by now, I would have learned to adjust.  I'm ready to go into hibernate mode and shut off almost everyone until I can get a handle on my emotions.  I finally got the courage to tell Galahad while we were out in the pool.  Well, actually he busted me crying so I spilled my emotions all over the place.

He recommended the opposite, that I go out and immerse myself with people & activities.  I don't like when I start crying in public though, and I'm sure it will happen, so I'm leaning away from this.  I do have to travel this week for work, so some of it will be unavoidable.

Plus, I'm debating with myself how to handle this.  Do I admit to them I'm sad?  Or, do I put up a front and pretend I'm fine.  Stubborn pride blinds me at times.  I know one is the more mature way, but I can't figure out which one is me.  No, they don't read this.  We have mutual friends, but most don't know and I'm not sure what to say there either.  Fuck them, I'm going with the front.  I guess I'm not sad about losing them but sad about losing who I thought they were. 

Saturday, June 7, 2003

Saturday, June 7, 2003

We watched The Banger Sisters.  It brought back bittersweet memories for me.  No, I was never a groupie, but I had 2 different best girlfriends with whom I did silly, crazy things -- one in college and one after college when I moved.  I tried to keep in touch, but it's not working well with either.  We've moved on to different stages in our lives.  I always wonder what they are up to and if they remember the exciting times we had. 

Saturday, June 7, 2003

We watched The Banger Sisters.  It brought back bittersweet memories for me.  No, I was never a groupie, but I had 2 different best girlfriends with whom I did silly, crazy things -- one in college and one after college when I moved.  I tried to keep in touch, but it's not working well with either.  We've moved on to different stages in our lives.  I always wonder what they are up to and if they remember the exciting times we had. 

Friday, June 6, 2003

Friday, June 6, 2003

Galahad rented another crazy movie for us called Scotland, PA.  Kind of bizarre.  Dunno if I would recommend it.
 

Tuesday, June 3, 2003

Tuesday, June 3, 2003

I received another long-winded email from my logorrheic co-worker.  This one was classic though.  The very first words were "QUICK NOTE".  Omfg, imagine if it had been a long note???  It was already 1.5 pages long.  Haha, he was giving me feedback on an email I wrote wherein he suggested I could have elaborated more. ROFLMAO!!!  Just because I can say the same thing in 4 sentences or less while he feels compelled to pen a doctoral dissertation, he's criticizing me.  Fucker!  =)

Monday, June 2, 2003

Monday, June 2, 2003

Galahad took this week off from work while he's changing jobs.  It was nice to eat breakfast with him outside in the morning sun.  He decided to catch up on yard work today while I worked.  He was very busy moving trees, replanting from here to there, and cutting back shrubbery.  Our coconut tree, Mai-ling, finally has a home.  Poor thing has been in a pot for almost 2 years.  Little does she know she's been constrained to Death Row.  That's the back line of our yard where almost everything that's planted dies.  :(  Gah, we suck.  I even had the soil's pH tested, but it came back fine.  I think it's the whole remembering to water thing.  =p

Sunday, June 1, 2003

Sunday, June 1, 2003

Yay --- a day in the pool again.  Somehow I was sad today and crying in the pool.  It was a nice place to throw a pity party.  =)