Tuesday, April 19, 2016

nobody does it like guilt

I'm feeling like a lady of leisure.  And a waste of space.  I've had exactly one session (that lasted five minutes) where someone else cleaned my pool.  And now I'm feeling guilty.  What the fuck.  I guess I haven't grown as much as I've thought.

I keep justifying it saying that I'm helping a local small business owner. Why do I feel the need to rationalize it to myself?  Why can't I admit it's too much work for me and overwhelms me?  I've admitted to my automobile anxiety easily enough.  No one (especially me) expects me to change my own oil

Doesn't matter that I'm low energy and perpetually recovering from a migraine.   Fuck my brain controlling my emotions, telling me to feel guilty.   There's no guilt in paying someone for a service, Wendy.  Talking to myself helps.  Allegedly.

Also, every single person (male or female, old or young) who I told about hiring a pool guy asked about his looks and/or made sexist comments.  It makes me wonder if they all deal with that.  And if it bothers them as much as it would bother me.  What does one call a pool guy as his professional title?  Pool technician?  And why are they all male?  I've never seen a female one, except a woman who managed the pool store. To be fair, those containers of chlorine are heavy. 

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