Saturday, March 5, 2016

cauterize the pain

I'm trying to get a handle on my emotions lately.  I've been reining them in for the past year.  Hard.  Out of survival mode.  I've read that once we feel safe enough, we start to let out the painful ones.  Boy, do I wish I could lock those up and set fire to that wing of my brain.  Why the fuck do I want to let those out? 

No good is coming from it.  Only more pain and anxiety.  Which makes me analyze my life.  Which leads to more painful realizations.  I need to end that downward spiral with a quickness.

I keep reminding myself that my former partner isn't the sole reason our relationship was amazing for twenty years.  I was half of that equation, although perhaps the math isn't that straightforward.  But I helped, damn it!  I have fantastic qualities in me, too.  Somewhere.  Even if I can't see them clearly at the moment because my eyes are blurred with tears.

I brought joy and sunshine with me.  Hard to believe, I know, but I used to be an optimist.  I want that part of my personality back.  Burn down the wing of pain, and re-open the sunshine division.  He fell in love with me, therefore I must be worth loving and worthwhile, right?  Or is that faulty logic?  Is it wrong to be logical about a broken heart?

Of course it is.  Ssshhh, let me have my shiny fantasy.

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