Friday, December 11, 2015

And I'm hooked

The new season of Serial started.  It's completely different from last year thankfully, because I hit a saturation point for that.  So far, this one has my curiosity piqued.   Human nature fascinates me.  And at first glance, there are many gray areas of morality and choices made.

I'm trying to focus externally to distract myself from this 49 hour and counting migraine.  There is a trail of Imitrex wrappers all over my house.  Today is also my three month eye checkup.  I haven't noticed any dramatic improvements, and I'm severely depressed and angry about that.  Denial is bliss sometimes. 

Hmm, an old guy in the waiting room put in a Buy order for 2,000 shares at $203.  Small chunk of change, huh?  And I'm here crying about my outstanding $350 medical bill.  Yes, I'm still paying off my failed eye surgery, to add insult to injury.  No, I didn't hear which company he's buying.

I'm ready for denial again.  I had a major meltdown before this migraine started.  Not sure which caused which, if either, but they're definitely correlated.  Currently, I'm biting my lip trying not to cry.  I forgot my rubberband again.  I may have to ask for one here. 

Okay, time to rein in my emotions and let my mental strength persevere.  C'mon, Wendy.  Breathe.  You don't need no stinkin' rubberband.  Deep breaths. 

Let's see, good things that happened this week.  Saw a motherfkn rocket launch.  That was awesome.  Had fun times at the theme park.  Have supportive friends who love me.  More than one even.  How fkn fantastic is that?   That's even better than a rocket launch, believe it or not.  Got my monthly clinical trial shot of CGRP, which has significantly reduced my migraines, even including this one.  It's a pretty goddamn good life on the surface. 

Old guy is on the phone again asking for the escrow agent and complaining that his money isn't making money while it's inactive.  Meanwhile, he's 80 and probably will never spend a tenth of his money.   Don't be so judgmental, Wendy, maybe he donates his profits to an animal shelter.  Or a small country.  Or maybe he's 40 and has lived a hard life.  He was very polite to me when he first walked in.  It was my blindingly blasé smile that did that, I'm sure.  At least I can feel assured that I'm seeing the best eye doctor that money can buy, right? 

I had a conversation with a friend about eavesdropping on people.  He maintained people are not that interesting.  I like to match up my preconceived notions with reality, as far as listening to three minutes of them can achieve.  I also like to amuse myself and make up back stories about people after hearing a 30 second snippet.  And I'm always right because I never get corrected.  That's how it works, isn't it?  :)

When the doctor asks how I am, is she being polite or asking medically?  Do I mention the 49 hours of migraine?  Or just say I'm good, like I would with anyone else?   Because probably the migraine and the eye are not correlated.  Although the act of dilation and the chemicals they put in will certainly exacerbate it.  Maybe since I'm already medicated, it won't?  Somehow, there's always hope. Even after 49 hours.

The nurse asked me if I got a flu shot.  Was she making conversation or hinting that someone was sickly-looking?  I probably do look very wan.  Wtfever, my hair is clean, and that's about the most effort I can make today with my appearance.   I threw on a t-shirt, jeans, and my lesbian shoes. 

I'm not hearing good news from the eye doc.  If it hasn't improved in three months, odds are against me.  She keeps insisting that my surgeon is one of the best.  I respectfully disagreed with her.  She says anatomically, my eye looks great.  Fanfkntastic, but it's failing at its primary purpose.  So who gives a shit how it looks anatomically?  Fuck, I should have known better than to go for surgery.   It sounds like she's leaning toward another one.   Do I fkn gamble again?  Are you fkn high?  No.  The answer is no.  The answer is always no for elective surgery.  Somehow I forgot that.

I made it out to the parking lot before the heavy sobs hit me.  Does that count in the positive or the negative column?  Maybe they cancel each other out?

I'm glad it's Friday, and I can hide from everyone for a few days. 

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