Wednesday, October 7, 2015

They're calling from inside your vagina

[Who knew I could sort of re-use this title again so soon.]

Men may want to skip this post, although the techies out there might be morbidly fascinated.  And actually many of you are affected by it, too.  Your wives, girlfriends, sisters, daughters, co-workers, etc. all encounter this ferocious foe.

As many of you are aware, women have a monthly alien invader, aka the Uterine Fairy.  This may not be exactly how you remember it from school, when the boys and girls were separated into different rooms and taught about their bodies.  Trust me, though, it's exactly what happens.  These fairies aren't very content with their lives and like to wreak havoc on those women they visit.  Sometimes it's in the form of a good prison shanking, over the course of several days.  Sometimes it's in some mood-altering shenanigans, migraines, or bizarre food cravings.  Other times it's in the form of a nice humiliation, whereby she drops by unexpectedly and tries to ruin your clothes with permanent color, in front of as many people as possible when you're least prepared.

Which is why we have the woman code of ALWAYS help another woman out when the Uterine Fairy pays a visit.  No matter how much you may not like the other woman, you always help her out.  Because we've all been there unfortunately.

Women have been waging war on this alien invader for eons.  And subsequently have won a few battles and lost a few battles.  Mostly, it's been a stalemate.  Some men help women out in our ongoing battle, contributing ammunition or moral support.  Others profit from it by selling us overpriced products that are deemed essential to temporarily defeat the fairy.

The future is upon us, and now we will have a device that can communicate with us while spying on the Uterine Fairy in her natural habitat.  A tiny agent infiltrates the enemy encampment and sends radio signals back to the main base.  Typically, the fairy is busy draining energy and life-force from the host body, so she may not pay attention to the radio signals.  This will leave the woman exhausted but with better SIGINT.

I doubt this is encrypted, so use at your own risk.  Beware who else might be in possession of this vital information.  I wonder what the NSA can do with a server farm full of Uterine Fairy Intel.  That should scare you as much as it scares me.

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