Sunday, January 3, 2016

stronger in the places that we've been broken?

It's another Hemingway quote: “We're stronger in the places that we've been broken.”

I'm not sure I agree with him on this, but it's a pretty thought, and I'd like to agree.  I feel as if my brokenness (for lack of a better term) makes me more human, but not necessarily stronger.  It feels like my brokenness and my insecurities keep attacking the same spots in my psyche.  And whatever I'm doing to fix them isn't working.  Like I'm trying to fix a gaping hole in the wall with some Spackle and duct tape.  Who am I kidding?  As if I'd ever use Spackle.  I'd fix that hole by hanging a curtain over it, or putting a pretty picture on the opposite wall to pull your eyes away.  :)  I'm not sure what that does to my analogy, though.  I suck at analogies, but I'm okay with that.

In any case, I really want to fix my brokenness (I think?), but I can't seem to find the right formula.  Or maybe I was making progress before a Cat 5 emotional hurricane came through my life last year and ripped away more of that wall.  Hehe, I love saying last year.  I LOVE YOU ALREADY, 2016!

If I haven't fixed my brokenness in all these years, do I really want to fix it?  Who originally broke that part of me?  Was it a specific incident or just an ongoing buildup of yuck (technical term I learned in college)?  Do I really need to know to fix it?  Can I just re-frame my mind and say, "I'm fixed now?"  Brains and psyches are a lot more complicated than housing structures.  They should be able to heal on their own, right?  If given the proper fuel?  I'm kind of strong-willed when I want to be, which I think is similar to Spackle, right?

Why did the holidays fuck with me so bad?  I'm not religious, so they don't have some deep meaning to me.  I mostly like the fun and beauty of the season.  And the food, let's be honest.  I also like taking a moment to celebrate family, which may be what hurt me the most this year.  Mine was cleaved in two.  And to add to it, I'm the peacekeeper in my family (or at least that's my reality).  If I don't step up to do the job, no one else does.  And somehow I felt as if they all still expected me to, even though I was a fkn mess.  Instead of me saying that to anyone, I just held it inside and hurt more.  Dumb-ass.

Why am I magically better now that an arbitrary date has passed?  Am I that easily fooled and manipulated?  Maybe don't answer that.  :P   Hey, look over there at that pretty picture I just put up.  Nice, isn't it?  :)

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