och, haud yer wheesht

I was having a rough time adapting to Kitten's absence.  Plus, my wanderlust was back big time, except I had nowhere to go.

That is until my best friend said "Come to Scotland!"  I thought she was just being polite, but I looked at tickets and wow had they gone up!  So that was my graceful way of declining.  Until she sent me flights she found for half of that.  That's when I knew she really wanted me to visit.  Her husband even sent texts telling me to come.  It felt so good to know I was truly wanted as a guest and not just a perfunctory offer that lots of people make.

Next hurdle was facing my anxiety about traveling internationally alone.  It had been years since I've done that, decades maybe.  What if I had a bad migraine and didn't have someone with me to assist?  

My word this year is Bold, so I tried to embrace that feeling and bought the tickets.  I did all kinds of research on what the COVID requirements were.  Fortunately, they'd all been relaxed by the time I traveled.  The airlines app made it pretty easy to figure out what else I needed to do -- essentially just my passport.

My friend made it stupid easy for me, too.  She and her husband were picking me up at the airport and graciously allowing me to stay with them.  She's about my size and said I could borrow clothes if I needed to.  All of that took a LOT of my anxiety away.  

My other best friend (I am truly blessed with friends) offered to drive me to and from the airport here, because parking was my next anxiety.  The summer travels had made parking very limited.  She picked me up and got me in a happy mood before my LONG day of flying.  She reassured me that everything would be fine, played out worst case scenarios with me, gave me a hug, and sent me on my way with my carry-on bag, my purple travel pillow, and my new leather tote.

new leather tote bag

 

I changed planes in Newark airport, with a really long connection time. 

I went exploring and looking for food, because they had so many interesting options.  BIG MISTAKE!  

First of all, fuck this airport for every restaurant (even the fancy ones) using individual order-and-pay-at-your-seat tablets.

What if you didn't have a smartphone?  I watched a few older people look in and walk away.  What if your phone broke?  What if you wanted to pay in *gasp* cash?  Or like me and several others I saw, what if you ran into technical snafus?

It just spun and wouldn't load for a solid ten minutes.  I asked multiple staff members for assistance in case I was missing something obvious.  Nope, that's just how it is.  The waitress advised me to connect off her hotspot, which finally did the trick.  I ordered the sampler.

sampler

 

Halfway across the Atlantic Ocean, my tummy was not happy with me. I don't know what they put in their food, but my stomach did not like it.  So much pain!  I spent the next three hours whining and being miserable.  Fortunately, I had WiFi for messaging, so I was able to chat with friends for a distraction.  I had my little travel pillow, but couldn't get comfortable.  I slept maybe twenty minutes total.  I listened to audiobooks I had pre-downloaded.  Nothing was lulling me to sleep.

Eventually we arrived in Scotland!

It was glorious!  I got off the plane and breezed through customs and immigration.  Except when the agent started asking my sleep-deprived brain hard questions like "Why did you come?"  "Who is your friend?"  Did he know her??  She has big hair like me and is quite stunning, so maybe?  But probably unlikely.  Why was he asking?  I was prepared to give the address where I was staying, but somehow that's all I was prepared for.  

She and her husband met me where I exited and they both gave me huge hugs!  It was the first time meeting him, and I couldn't be happier for her!

More later...

Happy 2s Day!

It's 2/22/22 or 22/2/22 depending on where you live.  And it's Tuesday.  How much fun is that??  I'm going out tonight to celebrate, because I can.

Here's a gratuitous orchid pic for everyone sick of winter.

walking in snow

 

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas

I finally got to experience a white Christmas, and it was magical!

The locals all kinda grumbled about the snow, but every five minutes or so, I exclaimed happily, "It's snowing!!"

Fortunately I was indoors most of the day, but I also had warm outerwear for when I had to go outside.  I had lovely new chenille gloves and a fur boa.   So much fun!  My sparkly tights maybe weren't my best wardrobe choice, but they looked fabulous with my sweater dress and snow boots!

the holidays aren't always jolly

There's so much pressure (both internal and external) to have a perfect holiday celebration.  And I'm constantly bombarded by other people's exquisite holiday decorations, while mine are severely lacking.  And I'm bombarded by my memories of past perfect celebrations. 

It all can be very overwhelming and depressing.  I had a great Thanksgiving, and I'm anticipating a pretty good Christmas.  And yet, I've cried several times in the past few days just because.

Please remember as you go about throwing your holiday cheer everywhere that plenty of people around you are suffering, even if we don't show it.  Be extra kind right now.  It will cost you only a little and may pay off to an order of magnitude.

ich bin dankbar

yo estoy agradecida.

tha mi taingeil.

I am grateful.

I recently learned how to say that in three other languages.

It helps me to deal with my anxiety and nonsense if I can focus on my gratitude.  I'm celebrating Thanksgiving in the cold Midwest, for which I am grateful.

I'm grateful that I was invited and made to feel welcome.  I'm grateful that I have sufficiently warm clothes (I hope!!) so my Floridian blood doesn't freeze.

I'm grateful I got to see snow last night and this morning!!  And then go inside because it's fucking cold!!

I'm grateful that I can fly back to Florida after a few days of dreary Winter weather and bask in sunshine for my soul.

trick or treat

I went with my friend and her kids to the mall to trick or treat.   It was quite an experience.  I haven't seen a mall that crowded since Christmas Eve.  And not just any Christmas Eve.  20 years ago Christmas Eve.  It was really packed.  And loud.  

I ate a few chocolates because they were from Godiva.  Who can say no to that?  Between the sugar (three tiny chocolate bites), the noise, and the mall scents, I ended up getting a migraine.  But it may have been worth it.  It was adorable to see her kids experiencing their first Halloween.  They were so excited to run up to strangers and ask for candy.  That's a fucked up tradition, huh?

I also experienced the split second moment of panic when I lost sight of them in the throngs of screaming kids and milling people.  It would be so easy to snatch a kid there.  I guess you can't live with that kind of fear because the odds are pretty small, right?  And the rewards outweigh the risks.  They had a blast playing with other kids and seeing all the fun stuff that the mall setup for them.  I have to say I thought it sounded lame taking kids to the mall to trick-or-treat, but I've changed my mind.  Climate control and bright lighting is kinda nice.

One of the jewelry stores was giving away adult goody bags.

Adult Halloween goody bag

alone

This was my first Christmas where I spoke with no one.  Not in person, nor on the phone.  Some people texted me good tidings, but no one called.  

I was fine most of the day, but sadness hit me around 6 pm.  I shed a few tears and gave myself a lecture that it was just a migraine prodrome and not actual sadness.  That almost helped.  I thought about consuming alcohol or bingeing on chocolates to wallow in my misery.  But the logical part of my brain said, "Really, Wendy??  You're possibly having migraine prodrome and you want to exacerbate that with known triggers?!  What the fuck is wrong with you??"  So I ate one piece of chocolate, nodded at my liquor stash, and started reading a new murder mystery.

It turns out I survived and didn't even need to throw a Pity Party.  

Go #TeamWendy!

not even sure where to begin

I don't want to divulge details that aren't mine, so suffice it to say that my family imploded in the few days before Christmas due to horribly greedy, selfish, narcissistic people.  I know that sounds redundant.  I wish I had the vocabulary to add 75 more words.  For your reading ease, I am leaving out the plethora of swear words that have accompanied all of that.

Fortunately, one of my sisters was in town visiting, so she was able to lend her wisdom and support.  At one point during the weekend, I was almost longing for my personal pain of last year instead of standing by and watching members of my family get hurt.  My brother made a speech before Christmas dinner, which had my eyes leaking a little.  At least some of us were together, weathering the storm, and leaning on each other.

He had also invited some of his Veteran friends.  We had quite a conversation of about guns, wars, and military life.  I loved hearing my dad's old military stories.  And I think it was good for the youngsters to hear how tough old soldiers had it, before modern conveniences. 

The food was delicious and abundant as usual.  I didn't overeat, but I did sample many dishes.  Mostly I had a bite of this and a bite of that.  Obviously, I didn't imbibe.  In fact, I don't think even a drop of alcohol was poured there, although it was offered.

I woke up yesterday with a pounding migraine that numerous doses of meds didn't affect.  My sister brought me the ice-pack and switched it out when it was warm.  And my dad came by to take her to breakfast and then to the airport.  I stayed in bed all day, in a migraine fog, and lost the whole day.  Fortunately, I had the day off.  I have no idea if all the food types did it or more likely, all the drama from the weekend.  We had family conference calls across the country every day. 

Or maybe it was the weather about to change.  Or maybe it was merely Monday and I was due.  :\

I hung up a wreath

I kept staring at a giant wreath mocking me in the garage.  Three days before Christmas, I did it.  I pulled it out and hung it prominently.  I have lots of other decorations, but those are sitting conveniently in boxes.  Maybe next year...

where have you been?!

Just goofing.  I know I've been Missing In Action.  I'm trying to get more in the holiday spirit this year than last year.  Which isn't as challenging as it sounds, because last year I cried a LOT.  So far, no tears.  Maybe I'm all fixed now???

Maybe not.  I still didn't do holiday decor or cards, but I bought a few small tokens of appreciation for a couple of people.  That's such a silly stressor.  I don't care if someone doesn't get me a present, yet I'm stressing out if/what I should get for people I may see on Christmas.  If my gift or lack thereof upsets someone, I probably don't need them in my life.  And by probably, I mean definitely.  :)

Kitten's stocking is hanging on the mantel, so that's something. 

I did it!

I made it through an entire holiday, including a family dinner, exchanged texts with several friends and family, and never shed one tear. 

/FLEX

It was close though, I will admit.  I felt a tear building up and forced myself to think of something else.  Fuck, I love denial.  :)

One day I hope to be healthy enough not to need to engage denial as a coping mechanism, but for now, I'll take it.  Some people use religion and/or drugs as crutches.  I embrace denial.  :)

3 ... 2 ... 1

And it's the holiday season again.  Fuck.

I swear I'm ready this year.  No drama, no tears, no depression.  Yeah, right.  I'm pretty sure I thought I was fine last year until that tsunami of darkness almost drowned me.

It doesn't feel like a whole year has gone by.  Wasn't it just a few months ago?

I'm beginning to see people around me randomly snap at situations they typically wouldn't, with others left standing there saying wtf.  I'm chalking every fucked-up situation to the Holiday Parasites that infect us all differently.  Some people get nicer.  Some get angrier.  Some get sadder.  And others bottle up their feelings and explode at bizarre times with completely inappropriate reactions.  Until one digs beneath the surface and sees they're doing the best they can.

Please everyone, have a little extra patience until January 2.  Then you can resume being self-absorbed.

tweezers are a girl's best friend

My towel rack fell on the floor as I was hanging up my towel yesterday.  I was scrambling around trying to get ready quickly because of a scheduling snafu, so I hung my damp towel on the doorknob instead.  Then, I hightailed it to the gym, leaving the broken rack on the floor.

I'm not sure why I was in such a rush.  Longest hour ever!  My anemia is not doing me any favors.  I couldn't catch my breath a few times and had to sit down before I passed out.  My workout partner and I altered our training a bit to less cardio and more strength training.  Not that I really do much cardio anyway, but I switched to leg press instead of squats, for example.

Afterwards, we went for restorative tacos.  I took the scenic route home, along the beach.  It was a blustery day, and the palm trees looked glorious blowing in the wind.  Many people were out walking their dogs, all decked out in adorable Halloween costumes.  (The dogs were, not the owners.)

When I got back home, I went to shower and realized I still needed to fix the towel rack.  I was too exhausted to go back downstairs again for a screwdriver, so I improvised.  Tweezers work almost as well, hallelujah.  I used two different sized tweezers for two different adjustments.  My towel rack is all better now.

drive-by depression

I jinxed myself.  I was feeling great, and BAM!   Depression did a drive-by on me yesterday.  I probably should have expected it.  Last year was the same.  Fuck the holidays.  Fortunately, I recognized the signs early and aborted that downward-spiraling line of thought.  Only a few tears escaped their corral and leaked down my face.

Tonight, I am looking forward to NASA's Juno spacecraft doing a successful entry into Jupiter's orbit.  Yes, that Jupiter -- the giant planet a gazillion miles away, which is why it took five years to get there.  How cool is that?  Looking up at the cosmos helps me to keep my insignificant problems in perspective. 

(I don't know why the Ns are backwards in this picture.  Don't let it detract from the message.)

I has a sad

I was determined not to be sad this Mother's Day.  But my niece asked me if I had anything on it with my dead mom's (her grandma's) signature on it.  So I started looking through old photos and memorabilia. 

And the sadness started.  I saw an old family portrait from when I was 5 or 6.  Everyone had huge smiles on their faces.  Except me.  Photographic evidence that I didn't have a great childhood.  I found my baby book, which was 99% empty.  No one gave a fuck to fill it in, and it got packed away.  Blah blah blah, poor me.  I saw that I filled out my height and weight when I was 17 and first learned of the book.  I'm two pounds heavier now.  Of solid muscle.  /flex   Not sure that two pounds of muscle is worth all the effort I've expended over the years, but at least I can open my peanut butter.

As I was going through old photos, I saw lots of my ex and me in happier times.  What is the protocol for dealing with these photos?  I removed all of the visible ones in my house, but it feels wrong to throw them away.  That was a huge and important part of my life.  For now, they're put away but still intermingled with my regular family photos.  Because he was part of my family.  Sigh, I need a rule book.

Mother's Day is a mixed blessing of a holiday.  Great for happy families and horrible for dysfunctional or grieving ones.  I miss my former mother-in-law but didn't send her a card this year.  I've been thinking about her all day, but I feel less ready to see her now than I did a few months ago. What the fuck does that mean?  Am I more in touch with my feelings or going deeper into denial?  I hope she's doing well.

I mostly kept my sadness to myself because I didn't want to rain on anyone else's parade and ruin their festive family celebrations.  I checked in with two of my friends who also had their moms die.  And a couple of my siblings.  But not all because I didn't have the energy.  Also, phones work both ways, fkrs.  And they didn't check in with me.  I'm sure they're mostly fine.  It's been years.  I'm feeling it because I had a recent loss, and every loss piles on top of each other like a goddamn emotional snowball.

I decided to make myself laugh and listened to the latest 2 Dope Queens podcast.  That worked a treat.  Those are some funny mofo's if you're unfamiliar. 

revenge of the April Fools' Goblin

Crushing migraine last night, and today isn't looking better.  Three doses of Imitrex, including an injection, barely touched it.  I took an Imitrex/Excedrin cocktail this morning before even getting out of bed.  Fuck my life.  I have no idea what triggered it.

Sometimes I can sleuth along and deduce it was a major storm front that triggered me.  Or hormones.  Or Zika.  Or that one onion that snuck (sneaked doesn't seem correct even though it is) onto my burger.  I ate healthy yesterday.  And most of this week.  Who am I kidding?  Most of my last decade has been fairly healthy because I like to avoid this kind of pain.

Maybe the April Fools' Goblin gave it to me because I disparaged his holiday.  Several times.  Fuck, I hate the stupid bullshit jokes, and the people who encourage it and laugh at them.  I love to laugh and will find almost any excuse to, but those simply annoy me.  Or perhaps I was extra annoyed because irritability can be a precursor symptom to migraine.

Just when I was getting a handle on my pool cleanup, I'll be out of commission all weekend again.  Once this migraine finally clears (PLEASE PLEASE CLEAR TODAY), the postdrome is gonna be ugly while all these meds vacate from my body, and I rest from the racking pain.

The pool lightened to a friendlier shade of green and finally to blue yesterday.  I cleaned gobs more mango blossoms and leaves from the bottom of the pool.  Today will need more.  Maybe I can talk myself into 5 minutes of it.  Just 5 minutes.  Surely I can muster enough energy (without puking) to skim for 5 minutes.  Fuck my life.  And quit calling me Shirley.

fkn hate April Fools'

It's a day where it's socially acceptable, perhaps even desirable, to be an unfunny asshole.  This year, it started two days in advance.  Stop milking holidays, people.  This is why we can't have nice things.  And why Christmas displays go up before Halloween.

In other news, I wore my new boots yesterday.  With my thick Thorlos.  And they were comfortable as hell, albeit a bit heavy.  I scared Kitten when she heard me coming up the stairs the other day.  She didn't recognize my tread.  Now that I've worn them in the wild though, I won't be wearing them inside, so she won't have to get used to them.  I got complimented on them, which I'll take.  Does it still count if it was from a middle-aged mother of three?  :)  I haven't tried them with my skinny jeans.  Had to wear the boot cut for an ECG.

I finally tackled cleaning my pool.  Holy Fuck, it was filthy.  I did a shock treatment after scrubbing and skimming and swearing and sweating.  I let it run all night, and possibly it looks less green today.  After I wake up a bit more, I'll go out and scrub again.

I know they're hideous against that carpet.  Fortunately, it isn't mine.

Happy Easter

I guess.  I wish I could summon a smile that big this morning.  The brownies and coffee aren't even helping.  Oh well, I wish you guys the best.  Smile a little for me if you can.

time to re-open the sunshine division

Spring is symbolically a time for fresh starts and new beginnings.  Even though it's raining today, I'm going to re-open the sunshine division of my brain.  Or maybe especially because it's raining today?

I'm ready to put the pain behind me.  Behind me, where it's lurking, whispering, telling me that I'm not good enough.  A susurration of negativity just there, behind me.  Ssshhh.

People say time heals, but time doesn't magically heal.  It's how we use the time that allows us to heal. With the exception of my copious amounts of PityParties, I think I've put my time to good use in the healing compartment.  Now, to excise the fkn PityParties.  I wonder which supplement helps with that.  I'm pretty sure sunshine and tropical beaches work.

In that vein, I purchased a new bikini that helps to hide some of the scars that I'm self-conscious about.  I used to be more confident when I was at the beach, but I'm out of practice.  And older.  Sigh.  Yeah, yeah, I look great FOR MY FKN AGE.  Go fuck yourself.  And thank you.  :)

I'm ready to be happy and celebrate Nowruz, although there's much contention about exactly what day the first day of Spring falls on, the 20^th or 21^st?  Technically, it's the 20^th this year (and most years), but viscerally, many people assume equinoxes should be on the 21^st, including Persians apparently.  I've noticed that it's a generational thing, too.  My generation was taught that Pluto is a fkn planet, and the 21^st is the fkn equinox.  End of story.  Me?  I like learning new ideas, and I'm a traditionalist, so I'll meet in the middle and celebrate both days.  :)