Monday, May 9, 2016

I has a sad

I was determined not to be sad this Mother's Day.  But my niece asked me if I had anything on it with my dead mom's (her grandma's) signature on it.  So I started looking through old photos and memorabilia. 

And the sadness started.  I saw an old family portrait from when I was 5 or 6.  Everyone had huge smiles on their faces.  Except me.  Photographic evidence that I didn't have a great childhood.  I found my baby book, which was 99% empty.  No one gave a fuck to fill it in, and it got packed away.  Blah blah blah, poor me.  I saw that I filled out my height and weight when I was 17 and first learned of the book.  I'm two pounds heavier now.  Of solid muscle.  /flex   Not sure that two pounds of muscle is worth all the effort I've expended over the years, but at least I can open my peanut butter.

As I was going through old photos, I saw lots of my ex and me in happier times.  What is the protocol for dealing with these photos?  I removed all of the visible ones in my house, but it feels wrong to throw them away.  That was a huge and important part of my life.  For now, they're put away but still intermingled with my regular family photos.  Because he was part of my family.  Sigh, I need a rule book.

Mother's Day is a mixed blessing of a holiday.  Great for happy families and horrible for dysfunctional or grieving ones.  I miss my former mother-in-law but didn't send her a card this year.  I've been thinking about her all day, but I feel less ready to see her now than I did a few months ago. What the fuck does that mean?  Am I more in touch with my feelings or going deeper into denial?  I hope she's doing well.

I mostly kept my sadness to myself because I didn't want to rain on anyone else's parade and ruin their festive family celebrations.  I checked in with two of my friends who also had their moms die.  And a couple of my siblings.  But not all because I didn't have the energy.  Also, phones work both ways, fkrs.  And they didn't check in with me.  I'm sure they're mostly fine.  It's been years.  I'm feeling it because I had a recent loss, and every loss piles on top of each other like a goddamn emotional snowball.

I decided to make myself laugh and listened to the latest 2 Dope Queens podcast.  That worked a treat.  Those are some funny mofo's if you're unfamiliar. 

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