Wednesday, August 12, 2015

I don't love all of my fellow insomniacs

There I was at 4am, wide awake, with no one to talk to.  No problem, I told myself.  Go outside and see if you get lucky with some meteors.  I creep downstairs like a criminal, in almost full darkness so as not to ruin my night vision.  It had rained recently, so everything outside was damp.  And I was too lazy to go back inside and get a towel.  I plop my ass down on the wet deck and say fuck it.  I'm leaning back, enjoying stargazing, contemplating my infinitesimal part in the universe, AND A GIANT FKN POSSUM WALKS UP NEXT TO ME.


I gave a muffled shriek and ran back inside.

I guess I can contemplate from the relative safety of my bed, sans meteors.

I caught up with one of my best friends yesterday, let's call her Emma Peel, because she's awesome in so many ways -- beautiful, smart, independent, athletic, kind, and she could totally be a spy.   I could go on, but y'all get the idea.  She is also less than content with her life right now, questioning her whole career (as a healer, I might add) because of a lack of viable job options.  Why does it seem that the best people get the shittiest deals in life?  Is it because she's too independent and won't rely on her stunning good looks to snare some rich man to take care of her?  Is it because smart women are feared and shunned?  Once they hit some arbitrary limit, anything above that terrifies those around them.  There's a whole dance involved, flirting with that level, pushing past a tiny bit, retreating to push past again, making small nonthreatening progress.  If you trip just once in that dance, you're condemned to start anew, because bridges have been burned, towns pillaged, all because of one fkn misstep.

There are those who can't understand why anyone would hide their intelligence.  But the smartest women know all about assuaging male egos and palliating female insecurities.  And then there are women (not always mutually exclusive) who tear down our sisters-in-arms out of our own jealousies and vulnerabilities.  Been there, and I sincerely apologize for every catty remark I've ever made or will make, because let's face it, I have plenty of insecurities still running wild and loose inside of me, the antithesis of glitter in my veins.

Emma, you need to know that you can have the world by the balls.  Just reach out and take them.  And once you do, remember to be gentle because the world is more fragile than it appears.  It's full of billions of broken people, many of whom don't even realize how broken we are.

No comments: