Friday, July 24, 2015

the mindfuck is winning

Last month I had such an amazing month.  I had 16 days in a row, migraine-free.  I had barely any pain days at all.  It was a most glorious month.

This week, my calendar reset when I got my monthly clinical trial CGRP shot.  Pain ever since.  It's like last month was just a happy hallucination.  It makes me question if I imagined it or over exaggerated it.  But no, I methodically track migraine days in two places.  It really did happen.  Now the pain washes over me and colors all those beauteous times with dark gray.  Pushes the happy memories further away, as if waking up from a splendiferous dream that's already fading.

I'm trying to hold it together.  To put on a smooth, professional face at work.  To put on a strong affect for friends and family who lean on me.  And to show as few people as possible how much I'm fucking disintegrating inside.  A month of pleasure is almost eradicated by a few days of pain.  But, it's not really just a few days of pain.  It's a lifetime of pain memories fracturing into a few days.

Logically, I know my neurotransmitters, assorted brain chemistry, and hormones are just doing a mindfuck on me.  Emotionally, the mindfuck is winning.

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