cognitive dissonance

I promised to expound more on feeling old and decrepit.

It's a bizarre dichotomy.  On my good days, of which there are still far too few, I feel great, healthy, and normal.  And then the guilt kicks in.  Maybe I shouldn't apply for disability because I'm not disabled today.  Yes, I know that's not how disability works.  Guilt isn't logical.

Future Wendy says, "Hurry up and run your errands right now!  It could take you out at any moment!"

Healthy Wendy says, "Take it easy.  Don't overtax yourself because you know what happens."

Politically Correct Wendy says, "Quit victim-blaming, mofo!"

Fun Wendy says, "OMG, fucking relax, you deserve some indulgence after all of this shit.  Otherwise, what's the point?"

And then the other boot drops.  Hard.  And I am so appreciative that I am applying for disability because there's no way I could hold down a job, never knowing when that steel-toed boot will kick me to the ground.

Grateful Wendy says, "Thank fuck you went shopping earlier and have plenty of food."

Perfectionist Wendy throws her hands up and says, "Fuck it, I guess this is good enough for how shitty you feel.  If you're in bed today, you won't even notice that the living room needs to be vacuumed."

Frustrated Wendy says, "Why am I so old and decrepit after eating and living so healthily?"

Sad Wendy wonders, "Is this all there is to existence?" and sometimes throws a Pity Party.  Quietly.

Fun Wendy is nowhere to be found.

It's very busy inside my head, except when I forcefully eject everyone out for five minutes to meditate, which requires all kinds of permits that are a hassle to obtain.