doctor, doctor, gimme the news!

I had been putting off most of my routine and less serious medical needs for the last several years, because I was dealing with the most severe conditions on that list.   And then I had shitty medical insurance, so I used that as another way to procrastinate.

Now that I have most of my serious stuff under control (fuck off, migraines!) and relatively good insurance, I have no more excuses.  

Except.... a global pandemic, which maybe isn't the best time to avail myself of the healthcare system.

That excuse lasted a couple of months, until I realized there was no end in sight for this.  And one of my less serious medical conditions became more serious.  One of my teeth started hurting nonstop, and I couldn't eat without pain, which caused me endless anxiety.  I started losing weight, which I couldn't afford to lose.  It had been an ongoing pain, which I had attributed to related migraine pain.  Migraines can and do trigger tooth pain in me.

Four dentists, a CT scan, various x-rays, and several appointments later, I mostly have a handle on this.  I can eat on one side pain-free, and the other side is getting preventative care BEFORE it goes nuclear.  What a fucking concept.  Apparently I had a perplexing issue that wasn't simple to solve.  After so many appointments, I no longer immediately cry when walking into the dentist's office.  So that's a bonus.

And now that my dental issues are almost resolved, I made an appointment for a first visit with a primary doctor.  I haven't had one of those in a couple of decades.  I suppose it's time to get a physical and some routine blood-work.  I was getting my blood tested regularly during the years of the migraine clinical trial, so I knew that was in normal ranges.  Yes, I realize I'm making excuses., but I feel like I wasn't totally irresponsible about my health.  It was hard to think of getting a general physical when half of my month was spent in agony from a migraine. 

Of course, the first available appointment isn't for a few weeks.  I hope I don't weasel out of it when the time comes...

do people dream in masks?

I recently started incorporating masked people into my dreams.  That's so fucking weird.  I hate masks, not for the discomfort level, although that blows, too.  But rather that it hides people's faces and adds an unconscious level of fear and distrust. 

We all wear metaphorical masks throughout our lives trying to fit in, or at least not stand out, which makes it harder to genuinely connect with people.  I had dinner with a new friend a few times, and she shared some personal stuff about her life, which she said she normally doesn't tell people.  But since I had opened up to her, she felt comfortable doing the same.  

Why are we so scared to reveal who we are?

I still have layers of me that I don't reveal to even my closest friends.  My brother once told me that I'm kind of a mystery in the family because I keep so much of my life private.  Is that because I don't overshare on social media?  I definitely spill my guts here once in a while.

How can I be the confident, self-assured woman who knows my own (high) worth AND be scared about saying something that will disincline my friends to like me?  So fucked up!