mission creep

It started raining, so I moved one of my staghorn fern offshoots into the rain so it could get better nutrients. 

And as I was walking towards it, I realized how slippery the deck was because of mildew.  I didn't bust my ass.  Yay.  But I decided I needed to clean it.  And why not now because it's not hot out and it's already wet. 

I went inside to get a scrub brush and scrubbed most of the mildew in the closest part of the deck.  But it wasn't raining hard enough to rinse the dirt off.  So I got the hose out to clean it.  There I am, hosing off my deck.  In the rain.  Dumbass

And I noticed that I missed an area right by my door.  I couldn't have that.  It's the place I see the most.  I scrubbed some more.  Dislodged an old pool filter that I had put there after the hurricane.  Why there, Wendy?   It's ugly.  I started to move it (why not just throw it out?  But what if I need it later?  They aren't cheap), and it was full of dirt, making more of a mess. 

I moved it into the rain so it could get rinsed.  Scrubbed behind it.  And decided I was done for now. 

I came inside and dripped dirty water all over the sisal runner rug.  Sigh.  I dragged the rug into the rain to rinse it.  The rain wasn't enough.  I brought the hose back out.  

I left the rug in the rain for an hour, and then brought it inside to dry.  Yes, it did drip dirty water all over my freshly mopped floor.  Why is the water dirty?  I didn't care at this point. I put towels under it as it draped over a chair to dry overnight.

All because I wanted my fern to get some nutrition.

survivor's guilt

I am extremely fortunate (so far) with this hurricane season.

The situation in Puerto Rico makes me cry every day.  Every day.

And I get so angry that people are bitching and moaning about the NFL nonsense, which I understand is important, but it's life and death in PR right now.  And it will only get worse.  Desperate people will do more and more desperate acts for survival.

Our country is full of smart people and incredible technology, but we're letting bureaucratic bullshit get in the way of creative assistance.

I am so grateful that my home survived -- that I have electricity, hot showers, clean water, access to food, and the relative illusion of safety.

popcorn for dinner

Yesterday was a blah day.  I felt fine, mostly.   

But I couldn't bring myself to eat nutritious food for dinner.  I snacked on cheesy popcorn while reading The Princess Bride.  I'd never read it before and had heard how fantastic it was.  It's good, but I think I built up my expectations too high.  

so much debris

Some do-gooder asshole came up to me to ask me what I'm doing with my mango tree cuttings.  He tried to talk me into paying for removal.  It turns out that the city offers free removal.  In fact, so many cities need removal that they're saying it will take months to clear.  Cities are fighting over who pays more for debris removal trucks.

In a panicked desperation during hurricane preparation, I flipped my extremely heavy outdoor table upside down.  It's too heavy for me to lift and bring inside.  And I was worried that a wind-gust could get underneath and slam it into my windows.  I also did it last year before Hurricane Matthew.  Einstein helped me turn it over last year.  And we discovered several tiles had broken off.  He very kindly helped me to repair it.  And by helped me, I mean he did all of it, while I had a migraine.  FML.

This year, my tree-cutting friend flipped it back over for me.  And I decided I would fix it myself.  Go me!!  After some consultation with non-local friends, I used contact cement to glue the misplaced tiles down.  And heavy weights to hold them while they set.  I can still see which ones broke, but at least it's mostly intact.

good news and bad news

My eye is still the same.  I had to cancel my previous follow-up visit because of the hurricane.  Doc said see you in a year unless anything else happens.  Yay.

The bad news is he was looking at my face through a magnifying lens and decided I have skin cancer.  I don't think he's wrong.  Fuck.  I knew this pimple lasted too long.  But I'd rather deal with that than eye surgery.  So all in all, it's a win, I guess.

I still have to see my neurologist and get my meds.  They lost power and had to throw them out and order more.  I guess it's not just Amazon being late with deliveries.  The couriers are having issues, too.  I feel like I'm falling behind and can't catch up.  

I tried a different grocery store after my eye doc.  I wore sunglasses because of my dilated eye and apologized profusely when I bumped into people.  I managed to get enough food this time, although it still wasn't all my first choice of products.  They said they lost power and had to throw everything out, so I'm assuming the meat I bought is safe.

eerily bare

I went grocery shopping a week after the hurricane hit.  The shelves were still very empty.  I barely got enough food to feed Kitten and me for the next few days.

Fortunately, the gas situation seems back to normal.  I filled up my car, even though I didn't need to.  I was panicking because of three more storms in the Atlantic.

it's alive!

Maybe.  I hope.

My beloved mango tree went down.  Again.  Same as from Hurricane Wilma (which was much stronger if the initial estimates of Irma are to be believed).  I have considerably fewer resources available this time, so I decided not to fuck with it myself and called three different landscapers.  One immediately answered saying too busy.  One didn't answer.  And, one answered saying sure!  That one delayed me for four days and then told me no.

I was super upset.  Angry and sobbing.  I did wait until he left, so that was a bonus.  Why waste my time and emotional energy if he wasn't going to help?  A quick no would have sent me on to find someone else and get closer to the front of the line.

After I had cried myself out, I realized I needed to save the staghorn fern living on it.  It's one of the largest specimens I've ever seen.  It came from my dad's house when I was a kid.  When he moved, he brought it to my house.

I spent most of Friday afternoon hacking away at this fern and making extremely slow progress.  I cut six large sections out and barely made a dent.  I started to resign myself to losing all the rest.  I canceled my workout for Saturday, so I could save more fern.

My fantastic workout partner and good friend said he would come over instead and bring a handsaw.  He gave my tree quite the haircut, while I dragged branches away.  It had fallen on Marky-Mark, and I was concerned if the crown had broken.  As we worked and unburied it, it seemed intact.  Mostly.  It lost some of its booting and a few fronds, but I think it will live.  Yay!!

After a couple hours of trimming the hell out of the tree, we hooked up a chain and a come-a-long and started the slow process of raising it.  And by we, I mean he.  :)  I mostly cleared debris, took photos, fetched supplies, and kept the water coming.  That said, I am so sore and exhausted.  I took a two hour nap and then slept 8 hours last night.

Mango down (staghorn down, too)

Mango up! (staghorn looking frazzled but alive)

Marky-Mark

One section of staghorn

it wasn't all bad

I ate pretty well at my friend's house.  And I got to snuggle with big dogs.  And I laughed a fair amount, considering.  We were very well prepared, so once the power went out, we both had radios and lights.

When I got home, I moved the essential stuff, and then gave up after looking at the mountain of work ahead of me.

I took a mental health day, and Kitten and I sat around eating junk food.  I had chocolate, and she ate kibble. She had been glued to my side when we were there.  Now that we're home, I barely see her again.  I'm so happy this didn't seem to permanently traumatize her. 

Also, my migraine cleared up once the storm had passed.  Thank goodness because I took a LOT of meds before and during.  I didn't want to take any more.

hurricane hangover

I think I'm suffering from a hurricane hangover or possibly Hurricane Fatigue Syndrome.

Why not both??

It's eerily quiet now.  Barely any street traffic.  No airplanes.  Thankfully no chainsaws yet.

I have so much work to do, getting my home back in order.  But I'm exhausted.  Emotionally and physically.  I'm still barely sleeping, although it does feel good to have insomnia in my own bed under an intact roof.

I may just fuck off today and read a book.  And snack on peanut butter pretzels.

I'm too tired to wash my hair, although it desperately needs some attention.  So much frizz!

I was able to drive home yesterday after much confusion about curfews and whatnot. I packed up my car with Kitten and got on the highway, after a few harrowing intersections with inoperative traffic lights. Everyone seemed dazed.  Including me.

 

I was driving fairly quickly on the empty highway when I saw a police vehicle way behind me with the lights on. No siren. I moved over and slowed down a smidge. They raced by, and I tucked in behind them all the way home. Signs saying no ingress to the Keys. I had heard they were hit hard.

A few more sketchy intersections, and then into my driveway.  Which I couldn't pull into because of tree limbs.

I parked and brought Kitten inside.  She was so happy to be out of the car, back home, and out of her harness finally.  We both explored the house, which seemed fine.  Until I looked in my backyard and saw my favorite tree downed.  I guess if that's the worst, I'll still count myself lucky.  I haven't been able to look at much media of other damages.  I feel like one of those kids talking about triggering.  I hope it wears off.

My cell phone was working intermittently.  I wasn't able to call people.  Texts weren't going through and then went through multiple times.  Or not at all.

I was one of the people who ordered extra supplies on Amazon last week just in case.  It never shipped.  Fortunately it was nothing I needed, just nice to have.  I tried to cancel the order first thing yesterday after the storm passed.  That's when they decided to ship it.  Assholes.

riding the storm out

That song has been stuck in my head.  It's REO Speedwagon if you aren't familiar.  It's not quite applicable, but good enough.  It's weird what goes through my mind when I can't distract myself with the usual methods.

Kitten and I decided not to ride out the storm by ourselves, so we went to visit a friend, where thankfully we had our own room.  I kept her locked in there because I was terrified she might run away to hide, and I'd never find her.  Plus now wasn't the time to see how well she could get along with others.  She kept her new pretty pink harness on for 3 days straight just in case I needed to grab her fast.  And because I wrote phone numbers on it in Sharpie.  Mostly she snuggled on the bed, glued to my side.

During the most intense part of the storm, after losing power, when tornado cells were popping up everywhere every few seconds according to the news on the portable radio, she ran into her new carrier all by herself to hide.  I locked it, grabbed my pillow, and rested my head on top of the crate, sitting on the floor, against an interior wall.

I turned off the radio because it was only amping up my anxiety.  So many tornadic cells, they could barely announce them all before a new one showed up.  My friend was in another room calming his pets.  I knew we had close to six hours of this before it lightened up a little.  I kept my ear tuned in for the roar of a tornado, ready to grab her and run, but fortunately didn't hear it.
 

Spoiler alert:  We survived.  :)

rain and wind starting

I took more meds last night and slept pretty well finally.  The pain is a dull tapping.  Letting me know it's still there, but not really bad enough to impede last minute preparations.  Yes, there are still more things to do.  So fucking many.

Imagine your house might blow away tonight.  What would you do to try to prevent it?  Barricade all the doors and windows.  I can't lift that piece of furniture.  Should I push myself, throw out my back temporarily because it might save my home?  Wrap up valuables.  After the photo albums, other stuff starts looking less valuable.  Maybe I should throw this away.  Do I really need it?  Focus, Wendy.  That can wait. 

What would you take with you in your bugout bag, assuming you had limited space?   Don't forget to research best options of where to bugout.  A neighbor?  A shelter?  Did I download the app that tells me that?

Now imagine you had a few days.  The choices become more complex, mixed in with impending doom and fatalism.  And migraines always have a starring role because they love stress and drastic barometric pressure drops.

Wish me luck.  I'll update as I can, but I'm assuming I'll lose power tonight.

the waiting game

I slept about 3 hours last night.  In 15 minute increments.

I kept telling myself to enjoy sleeping in clean sheets, on my comfy bed, with my luxurious pillows, in relative safety, and most important, in air conditioning.  But my brain decided to short circuit instead.  It didn't help that I got an emergency phone alert telling me how fucked I am.

I'm doing last minute prep today.  Barricading doors from the inside.  Charging everything,  Unplugging everything else.  Making more ice.  Filling every possible clean container with filtered drinking water.

I took a wonderful long, hot shower this morning and washed my hair.  As I was shaving my legs, I discovered multiple contusions and scrapes on both of them.  I hadn't even noticed getting any.

Kitten is feeling the disruption with all of the outside stuff inside, but she's mostly managing her anxiety way better than I am.  She has been giving extra snuggles the past few days.  I'm not sure if she's doing it for my sake or hers or both.

bacon and meds

I think I've finally finished all of my outside hurricane prep.  My mindset keeps going between anxiety and resignation, mixed with a smidge of adventure.  I remember the hurricanes of past years when we went outside, albeit somewhat sheltered from my home, to see mother nature in all her glory and ferocity. 

But I was a decade younger then.   And not flying solo.  Therefore, no plans for that this time around.

My out of state family keeps hounding me to leave.  But they don't understand that I'm in pain with a migraine.  I have no energy and no patience for other people.  Add in a nervous cat.  And bumper to bumper traffic for 500 miles. 

The hurricane started looking better, am I right?  

I cooked up a bunch of bacon before it goes bad, washed it down with imitrex, and went back to bed.  

is there a maximum level of fear?

I haven't reached it yet.

I'd been having floaters in my good eye for the past few days.  I kept trying to ignore them, but I started to worry and then googled.  And worried even more.  So I called my doc, who said come in ASAP.  I didn't even get to finish lunch.  Although mostly I'd lost my appetite because of the adrenaline. 

I was awake at 3:30 am, wide awake by 5 am, and bringing in patio furniture by 7 am.  No alarm clocks or coffee required, only a 185 mph monster hurricane heading my way.

I called my manager at 8 am and rescheduled everything after today.

In between meetings, I rushed over to the pet store to buy a cat carrier, cat harness, cat leash, and cat sedatives.

Anyway, back to the floaters, which I'd been trying to ignore.  I dropped my bacon on the plate, brushed my teeth, and drove to the doc.  The good news is that it's merely a vitreous detachment and not a retinal detachment or tear.  The bad news is that I am high risk because of my previous one, and this could still cause one.

Six hours later, my eyes are still dilated, and I am medicated with a migraine.  I guess I'll finish the yard preparations tomorrow.

pep talk time

I gave myself a major pep talk his morning when I realized I probably won't escape Hurricane Irma unscathed.  I've been stocking up on food and water for the last few months, so I should be fine for that.  But somehow the fear and anxiety were incapacitating me.

Why though?

I put myself back into my memories of many previous storms.  Heard the sounds, felt the magnificent force of the winds.  And realized that while it sucked, I survived.  And I either will or won't this time.  Now, I'm more concerned with the Cat 5 migraine I expect to accompany this. 

Which will make evacuating impossible.  Because driving with a migraine isn't smart.  The pressure already started dropping today, and I felt the first twinges of one.  So, I have two designated safe rooms in my house in case I start losing windows and walls.

I made lists this morning of everything I need to do and what to pack in a bug-out bag.  I'll refine those as new things occur to me.

I took out the cat carrier, which Kitten hates and ran from after one sniff.  I'm not even sure she'll fit well in it anymore.  I may look for a larger one at the store tomorrow.

Yesterday, I photographed most of my belongings in case I need to make an insurance claim.  I have no idea how useful it will be.  Perhaps I can use those pics to remember this phase of my life.  Later this week, I will walk through my home and say goodbye to everything.  It's a good reminder to not get too attached to material things.

I've been trying to use up my perishable food in case I lose power for an extended time.

In a couple of days, when the path is more certain, I will start bringing in my patio furniture.

I can do this.

lonelieness is literally killing you

A male friend sent me an article to read.  It's really long, so I read it in increments when I had time (and attention, but that's another story).  I may have missed some of the author's points, but the gist I got out of it is that loneliness is getting to be an epidemic, especially among young men.  My friend said he related very well to it.

I felt like the internet helped me so much to find the kind of people with whom I could more easily relate -- my tribe, so to speak.  But maybe everyone is substituting online (which isn't as strong) social interactions for in-person, when you connect with the right ones.

I've been feeling lonelier lately when my few real life friends get busy and don't have time for me.  Somehow I feel worse when they go dark and won't say what's going on.  I understand everyone needs time to deal with shit, but it feels as if I'm not trusted enough to be told why or what.  And of course, I get depressed and won't/can't reach out to say anything.

And I very much can relate to the man who said he doesn't feel like making himself vulnerable to 'friends' he's known for years.  Not everyone is the person I want to talk to when darkness swallows me up.  Fortunately for me, I always find one who I can turn to.

Moral of the story:
Hold on tightly to all of your friends.  They're harder than you think to replace, and your life may very well depend on it.