unexpected silver lining

While I'm stewing in anxiety and panic about hurricane Dorian, I'm hearing from many, many friends and loved ones.  Just a couple days ago, I was feeling unloved and unlovable.  And now, I'm hearing from so many people who have kind of slipped out of touch.  So maybe it's a little bit of a blessing. 

mediocre experiment results

My post-it note affirmations got put to the test yesterday.  I woke up feeling great after seven glorious hours of sleep.  And then my mood went downhill rapidly.  By early afternoon, I was in tears on my couch, snuggling with my cat, feeling worthless and unlovable again. 

I forced myself to wander room to room, reading all of my notes.  Some helped a smidge.  Others didn't even seem relevant anymore.

I assumed the low pressure trough off the coast was tanking my neurotransmitter levels and that my anti-CGRP meds were keeping the actual migraine pain at bay.  That may be ending soon, because I can feel the pain creeping into the back of my subconscious this morning.  I'm debating whether exercise right now will help or hurt or make no difference at all.

I had some small amount of warning, besides the weather forecast.  Kitten also seems bothered by weather fluctuations and threw up yesterday morning (on the tile thankfully).

happiness rests in your hands, if you have good friends

My BFF came to visit over the weekend so we could shop for wedding dresses.

Nooo, not for me.  But it was fun to do (at least for three stores) and an activity that I didn't realize was on my bucket-list.

wedding dress fitting room

Before her visit, I had waffled over taking down all of my post-it notes, but laziness and knowledge that she wouldn't judge me persuaded me to leave them up.

It turns out that she thought they were a keen idea, and after a cathartic conversation, we made her a personalized stack of them, with which to plaster her house.

I am so very fortunate to have her as my friend.

"A friend knows the song in my heart and sings it to me when my memory fails."

I have great friends

I admitted to several of my friends that I peppered my house with Post-It note affirmations, even though I felt ridiculous (both in the doing and the admitting).  And not only didn't they laugh at how silly it all is, they joined in with more suggestions!

Now, there's a reminder in every room of my home that life is grand and also that many people care about me.

affirmation Post-It note

the despair is only an illusion

I know that preceding a migraine attack, I am prone to depressive episodes.  And yet, each one feels so real.  I feel so unlovable, so unlikable, and also so pathetic for feeling that way.

One minute, I'm feeling pretty good about life and then WHAM!  Out of nowhere, I absolutely know that I am an abject failure at life.

I try to rein in my emotions.  But logic is scarcely a match for plummeting serotonin levels or whatever is going on in this mutant brain of mine.  I've tried pep-talking myself. 

"Wendy Lady, this is only temporary.  You've survived decades of this shit.  Ride it out."

The problem with that is it's hard to identify that my despair is only an illusion whilst in the throes of said despair.  To that end, I have written down many post-it note affirmations, as recommended by my mermaid friend and seconded by my sister.  I have strategically placed them all throughout my home to remind me of how great everything is when my brain isn't being an asshole. 

affirmations