Friday, June 13, 2003

I once read that after experiencing the pain of my mother's death, every loss in life triggers an unconscious memory of that.  I thought it was hogwash, self-help mumbo-jumbo.  I think that came from one of the few self-help books I read, Motherless Daughters.  I may be starting to believe it now.  I think I didn't want to believe it before because I felt cursed with no way out.  Actually, I felt doubly cursed since that was my second mother to die.

It's been a few years now since she died.  I thought I was better, recovered, whatever.  I really don't even miss her that much anymore.  But I still can't shake that pain of watching her die so slowly. Which makes me believe that perhaps I'm not as healed as I thought I was.  I always tried to remember her as who she really was, with her flaws and her merits.  It made me wonder if I even would have been close to her had she lived.  [As you may have noticed, I'm not that close to my father and his new wife.]  So, in trying to be a realist, I thought I came to accept that she was no longer in my life.  I think I still am okay with that.  It's the dying process that fucked me all up.  Or maybe it was just her dying process that mind-fucked me --- watching this vibrant, intelligent woman slowly lose her mind.

On a side note, crying is a dehydrating motha-fucker!  I think I'm going through tissues & water at an equally alarming rate.