conflicted

I learned yesterday of a woman in my online migraine community who suicided because she was all done hoping.  There's only so much hope that can override days, weeks, years of relentless pain.  Finally, reality sets in, and we realize that hope is false.  It doesn't apply to us.  

I don't know whether to be sad for a wasted life of someone who could have done great things if only the pain weren't there, or to be content that her pain is gone now. 

It's so easy to fall into the 'if only' trap.  And so hard to adjust one's life-goals to reality.  No, I didn't get my PhD and have a brilliant career in whatever.  I quit graduate school and took a path of less stress, less challenge, and less recognition.  But, the Migraine Monster's interminable pain and loss of hope haven't driven me to suicide yet, so perhaps it was the better path. 

I mentioned this to a casual acquaintance and he told me he was dealing with an employee going through similar circumstances.  People may logically realize that migraines hurt and are difficult, but it's almost impossible to quantify the emotional toll over years and decades  -- dreams and relationships which have withered away.  

Please don't judge.  In these two (and so many more) instances, suicide was not a 'permanent solution to a temporary problem' (I hate that fucking judgmental expression).  It was a permanent solution to a permanent problem.  Don't belittle our lifelong pain and emotional suffering because of your guilt or inconvenient grief.

This is your friendly reminder that so many people are hurting, even if they don't show it.  Please be kind to each other.