life came at me hard and I flinched

I made a hard choice, but I think it's what's best for my physical health.  It feels like I've admitted defeat.  The jury is still out what's good for my mental health, but probably this is the better way for that, too.

Deep breath.

I lost my job.

There, I said it.

And with the way my health is, I don't feel confident that I can work again.  This migraine clinical trial has been a boon to me, but it's only reduced the migraine attacks from 14 to 8 a month.  That's still a LOT of absenteeism from work.  I looked for comparable job positions, and nothing comes close to how much accommodation I need.

I took this as a sign that I need to put my health first when making life decisions.  Therefore, I applied for disability.  This is harder than it should be somehow and has resulted in 3 migraines so far.  Sigh.  And I'm still at the beginning of the process.

I started crying during my interview.  It was embarrassing.   But I think she understood my pain and frustration.  Fortunately, it was on the phone, so I could continue to silently cry longer than is socially acceptable.

I haven't yet told my friends and family.  Surprise, if you're reading this.  It's not an easy or fun conversation, so I've been avoiding it.  Because I'm tired of being a grown-up lately.

If anyone has any realistic life advice or extra compassion to throw my way, I'd appreciate it.

strength is in my weakness

My strength is in my weakness, or is weakness in my strength?  This almost made sense when I first thought it.  I write down random thoughts as they occur to me, even when I'm half asleep or distracted.  I left it in because it sounds profound.  And maybe it'll mean something later.  :)

I'm having issues with life.

What do I want to be when I grow up?  What if I die of old age before I grow up?  What if I'm too tired to die?

As someone once said, "To die is no great thing.  It is living that requires courage."  I apologize for forgetting the source.  I am constantly reading and learning and absorbing nuggets of wisdom to try to make sense of this nonsensical whirlwind we call life.

I'm hitting some milestones in my life, which feel like the beginning of death.  I'm not scared of death, but it feels like failure.  I'd rather go out on a high note.

Logically, I know I'm making mostly smart choices (for me), but emotionally, I want to scream and cry and hide under the covers.  I've discussed most of my choices with one or two trusted souls (no, my cat doesn't count).  Perhaps I'm self-selecting the people who will agree with my choices.  I'm okay with that, because I've chosen to keep close the people whom I value and respect and let go of others.  It makes for a lonely time when I want to grab a bite to eat, however I keep my imaginary virtual friends in my purse to keep me company.