getting older isn't for pussies

Getting older or wiser?  Maybe both?

It's weird to realize that I'm not as physically strong as I used to be, although maybe I'm mentally stronger.   People lament about youth being wasted on the young.  But maybe they need that added boost because life is fucking hard sometimes.  Imagine starting off life looking and feeling old AND having to learn all of life's tough lessons.

It's weird to look in the mirror and see someone other than who I expect.  Nowadays, I try not to be as concerned about how attractive my body is, but rather how functional it is.  I'm grateful that it's still very functional, without too much pain. 

It's harder to get off the ground, but it's easier to have more compassion for people.

It's harder to see smaller print, but it's easier to lend a solicitous ear.

It's both harder and easier to make friends.  Harder because less opportunity and easier because I am more accepting and don't care as much how other people are judging me.

Every time I start to think I've reached some stability, Life comes in and says "Nope!"  I guess that's one of the lessons I've learned -- the impermanence of everything.  I'm feeling stable now and trying to enjoy it without worrying what's going to fuck it up next.

dance party or pity party?

Wendy:  I should have a dance party soon!

 

Life: How about a pity party??

 

It might be edibles time and pity party re-imagined!  You know when you're feeling down and think life is shitty, but then something happens that makes it shittier, and you have fond memories of the slightly less shitty yesterday was?

Yesterday, while I was cleaning up after all the storms that have blown through South Florida, I slipped on a tiny baby mango.  They're hard like golf balls, and I rolled my foot down a step.  But I didn't fall and hurt the rest of me, so yay?  I'm trying to find a silver lining here, 

I know nothing is that serious, but the anxiety of what could be is what's getting to me.  I definitely need to re-frame, whether with or without edibles will be the question later.  I don't like using them as a crutch, but they work really well in alleviating anxiety.  I suppose I don't like crutches in general.  I even went for my walk yesterday AFTER the injury.  I'm skipping today because everyone has told me to elevate it and quit being a dumbass.

And I broke a nail making coffee this morning.  So sad...

don't save the good stuff

Just when I was getting complacent about having my migraines under control, my brain decided to remind me of that threat, too.  Although in hindsight, maybe the anomalous surge of brain chemicals triggered my previous depression of thinking about so very many skin cancers.

It's a lot to deal with and also, not that much in the scheme of things.  I need to keep reminding myself how great my life is.

Focus on the good stuff, Wendy!  And don't save the good stuff for later.

go on without me

Why is everyone encouraging me to get screened for various types of cancer?  Yeah, I get it, I'm getting older.  But, I'm still living the same healthy lifestyle I've been doing for a couple of decades.  Certain cancers seem to be genetic and thankfully not in my genes.  Leave me alone about those!

My emotional energy is almost redlined dealing with skin cancer on a monthly basis.  That is a clear and present threat.  I don't need to manufacture anything else.  Please stop advising me to look for other trouble.  If my task list gets any more arduous, I may lie down and give up.  Death by a thousand scalpel cuts is soul sucking.

Haven't we learned anything from the pandemic?  Constantly monitoring and looking for physical health problems is NOT conducive to ideal mental health.

my happy place

Sometimes I forget to emphasize on here when I enjoy the good stuff.  And I need to remind myself that there are very good times in my life.  Especially when I start to feel overwhelmed by entropy. 

I had such a lovely relaxing kayak trip through the Everglades yesterday.  It was just what I needed to bring me to my happy place. 

And of course, it reminded me that life can be dangerous and unpredictable, even in its beauty.  Here is an alligator I saw napping in the sun.

 

There was a spot farther on where we heard an alligator bellowing a deep primal growl.  I didn't have the wits to record it because my lizard brain was screaming RUNNNNN, or at least paddle faster.  The answering bellow was equally terrifying.  I'm not sure if never seeing them made it better or worse.  

I made it out safely and feeling better than I had in a while.

progress? two steps forward and one back

Yesterday I had my semi-annual full body dermatology scan.  I started to have anxiety but gave myself a proper pep talk on the drive there.  

"You've got this, Wendy.  It's nothing you can't handle.  You've managed it many, many times previously.  You're strong. Your body is strong.  It's gotten you through decades and decades and healed from everything so far.  Etc." 

I started getting teary-eyed the moment the doc walked in and asked how I was.  Ugh. 

My checkup wasn't great, but it wasn't horrible.  However, that's not the point.  I wanted to have more equanimity than I did.  I truly wanted to change my outlook on how I view these appointments.  I failed.  Maybe next time.  Because there's always a next time. If I'm fortunate enough to wake up again tomorrow and the next days.