I had a lengthy conversation with Kitten on whether she's ready to pull the plug or not. She answered quite vociferously, but I'm not sure if she was saying "yes, bitch, this sucks!" or "WTF, why are you killing me?! It's just a flesh wound!"
Perhaps both. Life is complicated. Love is complicated, Death is complicated.
Everyone I've asked said I'll know when it's the right time to euthanize her. But she's deteriorating in small amounts, and it's not linear. Today is maybe worse than yesterday or maybe better, but it's definitely worse than a few months ago. Is there a point to stretching it out to get one more week with her? It's keeping me in a state of constant low-level anxiety and stress. How do I know what she's feeling??
I've been giving her palliative care the last few months, feeding her whatever she wants to eat whenever she wants it, including chicken, chicken hearts, liver, tilapia, peanut butter, brie cheese, cat treats, cricket bars, sardines, manchego cheese, superfood bars, and whatever I'm eating that day. Sometimes she eats a bite, sometimes a whole meal, and sometimes nothing at all.
She can still navigate the stairs, the couch (reluctantly), my bed (with a step-stool), and her litter box, albeit much more slowly than before. And despite her extensive diet, she's lost quite a bit of weight.
I've never had to euthanize a loved one before, although I've had pets die on their own. Today I will somehow find the strength to call a mobile euthanasia service (who knew that's a thing?) and figure out logistics.
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