Wednesday, January 1, 2003

2003! I have mistyped it twice already (out of two times) as 2002. My fingers just know those keys.

I guess I will start this year with a BIG thank you to all my friends & loved ones (not that these are mutually exclusive.) I am grateful that I have a big family who cares about me in their own self-centered ways, as I care about them in my own self-centered way. :) I am happy that I have many friends, both close ones & casual ones --- depending on what I'm in the mood for. I am especially overwhelmed (as usual) when I reflect on how my Galahad has positively affected my life and who I am as a person.

I know you're wondering why I'm suddenly gushing out loud. I usually gush much more privately or at least individually. My brother gave me the news a few days ago that a mutual friend of ours (although my brother was much closer to him) who we've known since our teen years died on Christmas Eve. I just found out that it was suicide.

He was 34 years old and had two children. Since he left no note, they weren't sure at first if it was suicide or homicide. I guess someone figured it out; yet we'll never know exactly why. I have no problem with people choosing that way to end their pain. I just wish he had left something to help his children along their journey in life. They will spend many years in therapy and/or confusion wondering if they were perhaps to blame.

Ric, I'm so sorry you had such a painful life and were not able to find the joy to sustain you. I hope whatever afterlife there is or isn't brings you peace at last.

To those of you looking for happiness in drugs, I can tell you that you won't find it there. I have no solid advice for how to find your own peace & happiness. I know I found mine in my knight in shining armor --- my ever-amazing Galahad. I also know that you can't normally find it from another person, so I guess I must have been ready to find it within me and needed a guide to get there.

Look for your guides anywhere & everywhere. Accept them when you think you've found one and ask your trusted friends their opinions. Mayhap some people never find their peace except through death. I'm an optimist these days, so I believe everyone can find it somewhere as long as you keep searching and working on yourself. But, I've also been in the deep wells of despair that seemingly have no way out, so I judge no one who takes the route of suicide as the way to end their pain.

Maybe you just know that because of all the bad choices you made, there is no way out. Dunno. Weird that he went that path and my brother & I took our own paths. Ric always seemed so cheerful. He always had a smile on his face. We hung out with a pretty dysfunctional crowd. I wonder where some of the other ones are. I think my brother and I have lost more friends (most before 20) than most people lose in a lifetime. Maybe growing up in Miami in the 80s was to blame or maybe we just gravitated to the other people in psychic pain since we could relate to them. I'm so glad I'm not in that mental state anymore although I guess being there and escaping it gives me a ton of compassion to others who are there and can't find their way.

Oh yeah, Happy New Year and perhaps take a moment to remember how blessed you really are and forget that you don't have your dream car or dream house. At least you have dreams. :)