Tuesday, February 21, 2006

I had a bizarre & disturbing dream last night --- a visit from one of my Spirit Animal Guides.  Yeah, yeah, make fun all you want, but I firmly believe that when I have one of these dreams, it's my subconscious letting me know something is awry.  Anyway, I was walking across rocks in a canal like stepping stones, except they ended a few feet from the opposite bank.  So I faced my fear and jumped into the black water to swim the last 4 feet.  However, once I was in the water, the distance became greater as things are wont to do in dreams.  As I tried to swim to the shore, I became almost paralyzed --- willing my body to keep going but not moving more than an inch at a time.  By the way, did I mention there were alligators on the opposite shore moving into the water now?  Just as one was about to swim under me and bump me, I hid behind my big white hat and woke up.

I've been trying to puzzle this out but can't seem to figure it out.  It sounds bad though.  =(

Thursday. February 9, 2006

I just flew back from an exhausting business trip.  Five long days of non-stop smiling and PowerPoint shows.  There was no scheduled downtime, and I even had a roommate so my only alone time was my 5 minutes in the shower.  That really took its toll on me, so I've been hiding at home, barely speaking, and sleeping tons.  Galahad went out of town almost as soon as I got back, so it's very quiet here.

Last night, I went to visit my friend.  She had pretty heartbreaking news a few weeks back, saying her cancer situation was worse.  It deflated her morale, and that scared me.  But she was her high-spirited self again last night, for which I was grateful.

I counted myself lucky that I didn't get sick after returning home from my trip.  I was sucking down vitamin C like crazy but falling deeper into sleep debt and exposing myself to all kinds of nasty germs.  Apparently, quite a few people succumbed to the sickness.  And just when I was feeling high & mighty, I had my knees kicked out from under me.  Holy fuck, I woke up in pain this morning.  I took a double dose of Imitrex (that I keep by my bedside) and finally crawled out of bed at about 1 PM when I was starving & thirsty.  Jeebus!  It felt like someone took a sledgehammer to my head, in time to Madonna's newest hit.

I crawled down the stairs and fixed my morning oatmeal and was a couch potato all day.  I watched all kinds of bizarre daytime TV.  Wow.  Just wow.

If I didn't have anyone needing/wanting me in his life, I don't think I'd still be breathing right now.  I'm so over this.  The good isn't outweighing the bad anymore.  It's been about even lately --- with today knocking the scales hard into bad.  I'm on my 3^rd Imitrex currently and conscious enough to come here and whine.  I hate whining to my friends & loved ones.  I know it's not easy to listen to someone you care about in pain and feel helpless, so I choose not to do that most times.  Hell, I can't stand myself when I'm whiny like this.  Thanks by the way, if you're still reading this.

I hope I feel better tomorrow...